expanding my sphere

Who are you?

2006-02-20T21:40:00.000-08:00

I have two questions that seem really wierd (and possibly inconsequential), but go with me on this...

If I were to walk up to you and ask you the question, "Who are you?," how would you respond?

Now, assume that you were walking with a friend, and I asked you "Who is this?" How would your response differ from your response about yourself?

I'm out of practice, so it's kind of hard to get started here

2006-01-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I guess it's pushing a week, now, since I headed up here. This is the first time that I've touched the internet since last Wed, so I've been sorting through my 60+ emails. Not such an easy thing to do, but I guess it had to be done. Right now, I'm paying more than I should be for 24 hours of net access, while sitting down in the coffee shop in my building. However, my connection just dropped, and I'm wondering if it is due to one of the patrons talking on a cordless phone. Yup, she just got off, and I re-connected. I'm in the most connected country in the world, but I'm paying through the nose for my first access in a week. Go figure.

So, the week has been pretty busy. I think most of Thursday and Friday was spent driving around to different places, but Saturday was the '06 planning meeting for The Point. I have never been through such a smooth meeting. We pretty much just breezed through. I was actually tagged to sort of open us up in talking of vision and leadership of a church. Just a quick 5-10 minutes, but I think it was ok. I was working off of someone elses material, so it was a little bit forced I'd say.

Sunday was pretty slow in the a.m. I was still recovering a bit from the travel and craziness, but I think I have acclimated since. Staff meeting was at 3pm, and then the worship gathering at 5:30pm. It was fantastic. Carol and the rest of the worship band do a great job in leading worship. We watched a couple short videos, Kelly taught from John 11, and then we took communion. After the gathering, about 15 or more people came by our (my roommate Joel and I) apartment for a little drop-in.

Monday was errands, most of which were unfruitful, but we did get cell phones. We also went out to this retreat center on Bowen Island called Rivendell. What a fantastic place. We did a bit of the covenant stuff, so that we all know what is expected of each of us. It went well, and I was able to get a few cool pics. Today, we spent 2.5 hours on mass transit coming back, but it was really cool to ride the Seabus across the Barrard Inlet to downtown Vancouver. Great view of the city, but we were closed in, so no pics.

Well, that's about all I'll say for now. I'm a bit tired, and I need to return some emails. School starts next week, but this is a internet only quarter, so I'll be glad to get the cable hooked up on Friday.

peace
-kyle

Quick timeline update!

2005-12-28T21:59:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow: Move out of basement apt and store stuff at my parents' house.

Friday: Go to NC to visit Dad's family for Christmas gathering.

Saturday: Return to Knoxville for New Year's Celebration (don't know specifics, but I want to do something).

Sunday: Gather with church.

Tuesday: Last meeting with my small group (they are continuing... YAY!!)

Thursday: Fly out of Knoxville at 8:50am, heading to Vancouver.

I'll be in Vancouver/Burnaby until mid-late April. I'll do my 2 weeks at Bethel, one week back here and back up to Vancouver. If you'd like to see a little bit more of what/who I'll be working with, you can view my Support Letter online (ps. depending on your browser, you may have to click the page to zoom in). Adieu.

Well, Christmas has passed. Thank the LORD!!

2005-12-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not a scrooge, but I must admit that the whole gift-giving/receiving thing has really started to wear on me the last couple of years. Take this year for example. Mom had been bugging me for weeks on what I wanted for Christmas. In all the craziness that has been my life lately, I had not even thought about it. So, for a couple of weeks, I just said, "I don't really know." Finally, the one thing I came up with was a PalmOne Tungsten E2. I need to be more organized, so hopefully this thing will help.

Fast-forward to last week. I'm helping Mom wrap all her gifts, and she says, "I really feel bad for you and Chris (my bro-in-law). You guys only have a couple of gifts to open, even though I spent the same $ on all of you. They just have a lot of smaller ones." I told her that she was crazy!

So, when it came time to open, she again apologized for our lack of gifts. This time, we both told her she was crazy. So, I had like 4 gifts to open (including the ones from my sisters), and to be honest, I was a little tired of opening by the 4th one. Everything was nice, and I am very grateful for both the gifts and for my family thinking of me. However, I just don't get into it too much.

My Mammaw was talking about Christmas when she was young. She said that they would get one gift, and thier stockings were usually filled with fruit. I kind of envy her.

To me, the best part of the Christmas holiday is hanging out with my family and extended family. Like sitting next to my uncle and cracking on everyone, and the two of us laughing at each other. Or watching my Pappaw make a joke in his real dry humor, and seeing him sit there with a straight face until everyone starts laughing. Or reading "The Night Before Christmas" popup book by Robert Siboda (if you've never seen his popup books, you are missing out - they are amazing) to my two nieces as they sat in my lap. Or washing my car with Dad's help. Or helping Mom wrap gifts. Or... you get the idea.

Oh, and Christmas Day being on a Sunday this year, and actually going to worship service on Christmas was a great bonus! I should add, I actually had a wonderful Christmas! It's just that the stuff above stuck out as something to continue thinking on.

I'll update you all on my moving stuff later today.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

Wow, been a long time

2005-12-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I just realized that it's been a long time since I've posted on here. My postings lately have been on my Xanga site (too tired to link), but there's been a lot going on. A quick rundown...

I've nearly finished my first quarter in Seminary. I have a couple things yet to do, but I'm almost done.
I sold my condo, and I'll be moving into a small basement apt of a house that my church owns. I'm actually moving tomorrow... well, today really.
I may only live there for a month or so, because I'm trying to get on as a NAMB "Semester Missionary" at a 2 year old church plant in Burnaby, BC (greater Vancouver area). I would remain in school, and I'd be funded for a year or so.
That's about all, but it's a lot.

Hope everyone's doing well.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

funny thing, this blogging...

2005-11-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I don't know why I post some things on here. I guess, at heart, I'm just hopeful for a better future. Maybe I'm looking for answers or support or just some other hopefuls... Or maybe I'm just bored...

I want it back!

2005-11-10T00:38:00.000-08:00

Ummm. This is really weird. It's 2:52am and I just woke up with this thought that I have to get started. It's redemption. Redemption of things that were once pure. Redemption of things that were once beautiful. Redemption of things that once reflected the glory of the Creator.

Along with the fall of man, and progressively throughout human history, we have continually, sometimes faster than others, degraded actions that were once so pure, and beautiful, and Glorious. We allowed the Deceiver to inject selfishness and filth into them until they are hardly recognizable. I believe that these can be redeemed for the Glory of God, but I don't really know how. How can we redeem these in our society that has distorted and mutulated them?

I'll list 2, and I'm open for comments (maybe criticisms) on how to redeem these, and also on other aspects of life that desparately need redemption. These are very personal to me, so I will assume that they may not apply to all, so please share the things personal to you that you see need redemption.

1. The enjoyment of alcoholic beverages in a God-honoring manner. This is a two-fold redemption. First, from the prohibition-fabled minds of the church culture. This persists to varying degrees, but a Biblical call for abstainance from alcohol is just not there. Second, and more importantly, from the throes of abuse that are so rampant in our society. In this, I mean abuse in it's lightest form as well as the darkest. How do we redeem this?

2. This is in the realm of sex, but more specific. I want to be able to look at a beautiful woman and genuinely marvel at her beauty. This is both highly personal and highly communal. At times, I can't control my mind. It wanders into places that it should not go. At other times, I can not look at the woman, because her shirt is so tight that her nipples show through, or her pants cut so low that her panties or thong or whatever are revealed as she sits down. I don't want this to be the case! I want to look at a woman as Adam did, in God's presence, and be amazed by her beauty. I want to do this purely, but how do I redeem it? Can I redeem it?

For anyone that read this earlier, this is an addition. At a groggy 3:15am, I didn't quite get the whole thought out. Both cases above, there is a need to redeem what has been taken away. These may not apply to you, but I'd expect that you have your own list. In the first case, your surrounding culture may not make this an issue. In the second, maybe this is only possible in marriage. I don't really know. What I do know is this: we have been given freedom through Christ. Freedom to enjoy God's creation, freedom to live as wheat among weeds, but in order to do this, we must not be all about "mind control." These books & conferences tell men to wear a rubber band and snap themselves when they look at women. The preachers and teachers tell us that to have alcohol is a sin, or at best we're probably causing someone in the restaurant to sin. Both are about guilt and control. WE ARE FREE! But how do we live as freemen(and women... this is not gender specific) in a slave world?

Mac or Compaq?

2005-11-09T18:57:00.000-08:00

I may have to buy a new laptop, but I'm trying to decide. I've always had pc's, but there is something intriguing about a Mac. It looks like Compaq is offering the best deals on the PC market - especially with an AMD processor - and they are considerably less $$ than a Mac. However, all of the people I know that have had Macs love them, and they have had little/no trouble collectively.

So, I thought I'd let the blog world weigh in. What do you think?

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

Adventures in driving....

2005-11-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty wiped out, but I'll do a quick trip report before I sack out.

- Nate was kind enough to get the coffee set up last night, so it was ready when I was this morning.

4:45 alarm. Shower, pack, get coffee in my thermos.

I pulled out of the driveway at 5:40am CST. I was smart enough to get gas last night, so I hit the ground running.

6:14 was the first signs of light, just about the time I crossed into Wis-consin (I was told by Michelle -I think this is the right name?- that this is how Minnesotans pronounce it).

Today was a grey day. The sun peeked out at times, but overall, the sky was overcast.

7:30 or so, I stopped for breakfast in Osseo, WI. I'm not sure why McDonald's doesn't have the bagel sandwiches around here, but I'm glad they have them elsewhere.

About 8:15, I started to get bored/tired, so I called my parents. This became the 1st of at least 4 conversations for the day. Dad took time to try and look up some place in Wisconsin where he had been a few times on business. No big deal, but it didn't do much for me, since I don't own a road atlas.

I turned on Sufjan Steven's Illinoise when I hit the Illinois line. I listened to it for most of my time through the state. In fact, I had been waiting to turn it on until I hit the state line... yeah, I know that's wierd.

Stopped for lunch in Bloomington, IL around 1:30, just short of the halfway mileage point.

Around 3:15, I got really tired, so I stopped at the welcome center/rest area that is just inside the Indiana line. I managed to set off my car alarm twice while taking a 15 minute power nap.

In Indianapolis, I realized that it's not always easy to follow directions in reverse. I took the wrong turn, but realized it within a couple miles.

I figured out that from Indianapolis to my door is almost exactly one tank of gas.

Janine called at some point and we talked for longer than she probably should have. Thanks, Janine. I had been a little tired before you called.

Total trip time: 15 hours 2 minutes.
Total mileage: 1002 miles.

Ok, I'm about to fall over now.

hittin the home stretch

2005-11-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Two days of my Transformational Leadership class are done, and I have more questions than when I started. I think that's the point of what the professor is trying to do. This course is steeped in theory, so it is inherently vague to some degree. It's like this, though, I get the concepts behind all of it, but I wrestle with the way some things in this class. It's a long and complicated explanation, but it deals mostly with some assumption that we are making in the class. Assuming that people understand the difference in the mission and vision of an org/church. Assuming that those are clearly defined, separate, and consistent with what God calls his church to be. Assuming that when we start asking ourselves questions like "what do we do best?", we are not looking past what should be but is not currently being done. In some ways, we need to assume these things, so then we can look at "leading," but in other ways, I think we're missing a big part of what being a leader fully encompases. These assumptions that we are making are in many cases the areas of good leadership that are being overlooked in churches/the Church. One of my fellow students made a good point after class, though. "We are here to be stretched," he said. He's right.

Aside from that, the class is going well. I really get the leadership theory, and I see the connection with some of them and the example of Christ. I'm still, though, processing how I can do that, and how can I teach others to do it as well? Can I/How can I "lead up" at times? Am I willing to be led? How do I guard against selfish ambition/gain? What in my life will hinder me or hold me back, both in limitations and in my getting in God's way? How can I be a voice of change, when necessary, without being a destructive force? How can I be sure to shut my stupid mouth when I need to?

The prof is a really neat guy, as well. Have you ever met someone who asks all the right questions? That's this guy. He has the right blend of vague/direct in his questions, such that they really bring about a lot of discussion. Plus, he has a cool way of listening as we ramble out an answer, taking it in, and then rephrasing it in a way that gives clear language to your thought. Remarkable, really.

Wow! I just realized how serious this post is. Oh well, if you are not into this stuff, please come back when I post something a little lighter.

Can you feed me?

2005-10-29T23:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, this will be part rant, so be warned. I must tell you that I am tired of hearing the phrase "I'm just not getting fed," within/around the church. Now, often this is just a cop-out answer for not liking something about a church, but in many cases this is an honest complaint. Unfortunately, for many, it is evidence of a serious lack of understanding about what it means to follow Christ. I probably just made some people mad with that one! Here's the thing, though. At some point, you must begin to feed yourself, or at least seek your own food, and feed others for that matter. The church does not exist to cater to your individual needs, but instead for you to cater to the needs of others in the binding UNITY of Christ! This may seem strange, and definitely counter-intuitive, but think about this for a minute. You seek depth from pastors and teachers, but you don't seek it on your own. If you take on the mindset of feeding others, you go as deep as you have time for in preparation. It gives you a need to be faithful to God and His Word, so that you don't lead others astray - which happens more than you realize, even by well-intentioned teachers. So, my advice to all of you complaining that you are not being fed... start learning to feed yourself. If you need some tools, I'm here to help (keep reading).

After the first day, here, it was interesting to sit in these classes and talk at lunch with all these new friends in my cohort. What really caught me by surprise was the general sense of most of us of "Why have we never seen this kind of stuff before? Why don't they teach this in churches?" Honestly, I don't know the answer to these questions, but.... for all my Knoxville friends: we are all going to seminary, but you'll get yours at a highly reduced price (probably a little "dumbed down", too, but we don't have to talk about that). Notice, I didn't say free. Seriously, though, it's sad how much we just take for granted, because that's the only way we've ever heard it. Even more sad is that we are wrong about much of our application of scripture principles. Our view of scripture is highly self-centered, individualized, and too often the real message of God's Word is distorted. That needs to change!

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

Week 1: DONE!

2005-10-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

The last couple days have been tough. Between the combination of increasingly less sleep and increasingly more info, it was a fight to stay engaged for the last few hours today. I took a quiz last night at 12am, when I finally got on Blackboard, and honestly have no idea if I did well. This may have been the most subjective exam I have ever taken. Seriously, I'm not sure that there was a wrong answer, as long as you could back it up. I'm not used to that. I'm used to math/engineering exams that are 100% objective... did I get the right answer by using the correct methodology? I don't know how the TA can grade these. Oh well... what's done is done.

Next week, I will have 30+ hours of Transformational Leadership. My general expectation is that I had it somewhat light this week, in comparison. This prof seems much more intense, though that's purely conjecture at this point. A bunch of us from the cohort went out to Old Chicago for pizza last night and had a good time. This group is really cool.

Talked to my mom on the phone earlier. She asked me, "so, do you feel like you are in the right place, being up there?" I didn't even have to think about it. That was affirmed in the first day of classes, and continues to be more and more evident. To add to that, I'd say that this is not only the right place, but the right time. Check you all later.

Peace!

road trip

2005-10-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

Well, kids, I made it up here to MN. I left Knoxville at 5:30am (EST) and arrived here about 7:45pm(CST) on Friday. So, what, that's like 15:15 driving. Not quite as bad as I thought. I ended up averaging around 65 mph over the entire trip, including all my stops. Here's the highlights.

6:55 or so, Janine called, because she figured no one else would be awake. She was right. We only talked for about 2 minutes, but I appreciated it. Thanks J-9.

7:06am somewhere around Corbin, KY, I saw the first sign of lightening of the sky, and sunrise came about 7:15.

In Louisville, I had to get off to use the restroom, but was stuck in traffic. I moved over to get off, and ended up taking the exit for Southern Baptist Seminary. Ironic. I may get to visit a family member there in the next couple years.

Stopped for lunch in Bloomington, IL, the home of Illinois State University. This is a really neat little city. The campus looked nice from the road, and the weather was great. If you ever are going through there, take I-74ALT through town (it's the main road through). It's worth the extra 10 minutes or so.

There was sign for a town in IL (I don't remember the name) that read "Name: A great blend of tradition and progress." It wasn't much of a town, but that's an interesting sign in the middle of the wheatfields of IL.

The drive from Madison, WI to St. Paul/Mpls is probably a really nice drive on a normal day, but when you've been driving as long as I had been, that's a horribly boring drive.

The upper midwest has more interstates that join together and split off than anywhere I've ever been. It's a little confusing, especially when...

I drove 1000 miles in 15:15 without a US road atlas. Before every stop that I made, I'd think "I really need to find a road atlas," but I would promptly forget.

2005-10-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

look look look
where does the day end
i look all day and all night
and find nothing but walls

wait wait wait
i pace with anticipation
not knowing what for
but i see it on the other side

step step step
no windows no doors
only brick and mortar
all i want is an opening

Sunday morning

2005-10-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

This was what I "taught" this morning in Sunday School (it's more discussion and hopefully people thinking for themselves). It's just notes, so hopefully it will make sense. I tried to fill in some of the holes here with our discussion and my thoughts that were not on paper.

Colossians 3:5-11

Background vs. 1-4

You have been raised with Christ
*** Set your mind on things above ***
You have died and now have a new life in Christ
v. 5 and beyond are all directed at the church (read: followers of Jesus)

v. 5-7
Paul lists several sins here. Notice that they are all (generally) sins that affect the self. These sexual nature sins all are sins against God (as are all), but they also are sins against our own bodies.

v. 5 says “Put to death” these things….

1- Why such a severity in language?

It’s as if he, Paul, is invoking capital punishment. He’s saying these are detestable (vs. 6) to God. They shouldn’t just be stopped, that part of you should DIE. These were part of the old you.

2- On a personal level, how does this differ from saying “quit doing this.”

It doesn’t leave any room for tolerance. It’s like some people who quit smoking. They just quit it, because they don’t think it is good for them. They don’t go and kill all the tobacco execs or go burn all the tobacco fields. They often even take up chewing tobacco instead – or find another addiction like food, candy, etc.

v. 8
Again notice a common thread through these sins. Where the first set, in vs. 5, was about sinning against yourself, this set is all about others. Anger, malice, slander. Paul could have put them into a mega-list, condensing it down into a more concise letter. Instead, though, he chose to break these out. These are all about how you treat others.

Unsubstantiated claim: Looking at vs. 8 and the way it’s worded, it seems to me that Paul may be saying something as follows.

“Look, that first list was really bad. You may have even realized that it was bad before you were new in Christ, but now that you are in Christ, you are called to something more. It’s no longer just about you and how you stop sinning against yourself, but now, you must stop this stuff against other people as well.”

v. 9a
Paul now singles this out, “Do not lie to one another”. Where he started with self, moved to others, he’s now talking about community life. How groups of believers relate to each other. It’s not enough to just treat your own symptoms, or to cause injury to others, but when you relate to each other, do so in truth. Don’t just say things to be nice, or tell the little white lies that are just for “their own protection.” Tell the truth.

Paul has taken us on a progression in vs. 5-9a that is a new way of thinking, and causes backdrop for the rest of the passage:

Self > Others > Community

v. 9b-10a
Paul talks about taking off (“stripping”) the old self and clothing with the new.

1- What does it mean to have a new self?
As he’s talking of stripping off the old and clothing with the new, it’s like a covering over your whole self… like a skin. You just strip that off and start over with a completely new image (coming in vs. 10)

2- Why is this an important distinction in relation to a new belief system, rules for life, religion, etc?
None of these deal with sin and cleansing, and being able to start over with a clean slate. They don’t heal, but instead just modify our behavior for some preferred outcome.

v. 10b-11
Renewal of knowledge is like reeducation. (vs. 10b) We need to be reeducated into the ways of the Kingdom of God. We are renewed into the image of the Creator, not just a new image of ourselves. We are now Christ in us (vs. 11b).

The city of Colosse sits in modern day Turkey. At the time, it was a mixture of people from the East (Arabs, Jews), West (Greeks, Romans), and North (Modern day Armenia, Azerbaijan, Georgia), all living in this high valley.

Barbarians: non-Greek speaking people, probably from the north.
Scythian: a barbaric, ruthless people likely from the north

vs. 11 “there is no longer Greek or Jew (heritage, race), circumcised or uncircumcised (under law/not, former religion), barbarian (social class, uneducated), Scythian (social class, past life), slave or freeman (social standing, power, class)”

The Fall of mankind shattered not only our relationships with God, but also our relationships with fellow man. What Paul is saying here, is that now, through Christ, we have are part of a new Kingdom. The Kingdom of God dwells inside us, and we now have the ability (through the Spirit) to be back into a right relationship with each other as well. Our new selves are created in a perfect image; Christ is all and in all, so we no longer have to deal with race, background, social class, former ways, or anything. We are one in Christ, and one body.

tonight

2005-10-14T21:49:00.000-07:00

Well, before I burn the midnight oil, I'll share my evening with you. I left the church and headed home to eat and continue homework. On the way, I stopped by the UPS store to send back a backpack that I ordered and received in duplicate. I pulled up and found them open, but during the time I parked my car, they turned the lights out and closed. Seriously, I'm talking like 45 seconds. So, I'm thinking what else...

My pants started to vibrate at that point. Well, my phone in my pants, so I answered and my friend Rachael was on the other line. She said she had an extra ticket to see Matt Redman, Louie Giglio, and Chris Tomlin at the Civic Auditorium. I was torn, but I remembered reading today in my book that I should be more attentive to the "interruptions" in my daily life, because those are really the opportunities. So, I agreed.

I got there a little late, and went into the Coliseum, instead of the Auditorium. It's the same building, but different entrances... now I know. When I got in there, the extra ticket was not with my friends, but they said there was room to stand beside them. So, I went in and Matt Redman was already playing. Let me preface all this by saying that this was not really a concert, not to the guys playing/speaking, and not to me (though to some it was I'm sure). This was church, albeit in a really cool way. Redman played a number of songs, and I absolutely love his music. It's very simple, both lyrically and musically, but has the depth and heart that are unbelievable. Plus, it has a Brit rock feel to it, which I like. Louie spoke, and the Chris Tomlin played.

I'll skip all the little details, but here's what I was reminded... with very good timing I might add. In the grand scheme of this universe, I'm insignificant. I'm tiny, with tiny little problems, tiny little pains, and a tiny little world. All that said, I am loved and valued and cared for by the one true God. He holds the whole universe in the palm of His hand, and yet, He loves me and carries me through the valleys (or at least guides me), and He heals all my pains. He doesn't always take these things away, but he heals them. Look, I've got problems, and frustrations and pain and lonliness, but God will heal that. Yes, I may be different, things may be different, I may even be left with scars. But, if I'll let Him heal me, those scars are a reminder of how much He loves me... both to remind me how He healed me, and to remind me of how He sacrificed on the cross. Jesus must have had some pretty nasty scars. See, if you aren't left with the scars, you never remember. It's just lost.

My scars are my story.

2005-10-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

a new day...

2005-10-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have only read a small portion of what I will be studying, but I have to say that I'm more and more excited about this degree. Except for a very few classes in my undergraduate work (mostly the non-engineering ones), and a handful of assignments in high school, I have never wanted to read my assigned literature. This is definitely a first for me. Oh, and I haven't even gotten to my Hermeneutics class yet. The book just came today, but how can I not be excited to (1)learn to better interpret/understand the Bible - God's Word and (2) get credit for doing so.

Other than that I read an interesting little article by Gordon McDonald in the Leadership Journal. He had this to say:

When gas regularly stays above $3.11 per gallon, people will most likely begin to change their transportation habits. And if heating costs triple, large buildings (at least in the north) are going to become a bit more of a burden. The megachurch depends heavily upon people who drive more than 15 miles to church. I would bet that a lot of people won't do that anymore, or as many times per week as they used to. Heating costs will skew budgets. The commitment level of the larger crowd will be tested. I suspect a shake-up is coming in the way we all do church. I'd have a task force working on this one if I was leading a big church. Everyone ready for a strategy of church life that depends more upon small groups and distributed ministries?

It got me thinking about some things.

First, do you buy (pun intended) this conclusion that gas prices will hinder attendance at megachurches? Will gas prices change the way people travel to/from church meetings? Or do we, as Americans, really care?

Second, what are your thoughts on megachurches? The most common definition is a church with regular attendance over 2,000. I know this question begs for generalization, but that's what I'm looking for.

life lessons

2005-10-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today, I had the privilege of teaching my 5-yr old niece a couple of lessons. One in teamwork and one friendship. Then, I had the honor of learning a lesson in love from her.

I went to my sister’s house today to keep my nieces for the afternoon, while my sis and her husband went to the UT football game. Dhad a soccer game this morning, and we had decided that I would go with them to the game, and they would leave D’s game early to head down to the stadium. So, in addition to babysitting, I got to see a 5-6 year old soccer game, which is great fun.

They had been telling me how well D has done in the past couple games. I think in the last three, she has scored 2, 3, and 2 goals, respectively. Well, she was not so into the game today. In fact, I’m not sure she was on this planet the entire time. She has what some call a vivid imagination, and at times, she lives in it. What we found to be the problem, though, was… well, more than meets the eye.

Team
D was obviously not “in the game.” She was tugging at her shirt, twisting her arms behind her back, and just generally not paying attention. We explained to her that her team counted on her to play hard to win. It didn’t matter if she scored goals or not, but if she wasn’t playing her best, then she was letting her team down.

Friendship
My sister was all worked up about D not “being in the game.” I’m a little more easy-going than she, and I’ve coached some young kids, so I tried to talk to D. It turns out that one of her good friends from Kindergarten played for the other team. I asked if she was worried about playing against her friend and in fact she was. I explained to her that it was just like playing against me or her daddy or her sister. We were still friends, even if she beat us, or stole the ball, or whatever. I pointed out that her friend was playing hard, even though she was on the other team. And there was some other good stuff, too – well, maybe. She played a little more focused toward the end, but still somewhat spacey.

Love
Well, I left out something important. I’m not sure who did the teaching today. Let me just quote her, because it will just work better. “This is just a game, right? If it’s just a game, I’d rather let her win. I don’t care if she scores, I want her to do good. I’ll let her score, because she’s my friend.” Mind you, all this was coming from a conflicted 5 year old with tears coming down her face. Beside the fact that I think she’ll make a better cheerleader than competitive athlete, she’ll definitely make one heck of a friend. This is the most recent in a long line of extraordinary life lessons that she’s taught me.

Let me pass along a little secret for living (if I ever write a book this will be in it). Spend as much time with children as you can stand. If you’re not good with kids, you need to find ways. Aside from being smarter about life than you are, they have a lot more fun with a lot less than you do! Bank on it!

As a friend said recently in reference to my niece, “She’s the best Christian I know.”

a look back...

2005-09-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day at work! Three years done in a flash. I thought that in honor of this transition, I would let you all in on how this has all come about.

The Call - Refreshed
Oh, man, this begins about 10-11 years ago, but I'll keep this a little more up to date. It was sometime around the Fall of '03 that I started "itching" spiritually. It must have been in the Oct/Nov timeframe, because our church hosts a Missions Conference every year in November. During that conference, I had a rough time. Kind of like Jacob wrestling with God, but I couldn't make a whole lot of sense out of it all. This continued through the Christmas season and into Spring with my asking a lot of questions. I've been open to ministry for some years, in fact believing it was more a matter of when than if. I remember thinking that God was telling me to "get ready." Like always, though, I had no idea what I was getting ready for.

The Journey
If you didn't know me before the last year and a half, you might be surprised that I never read books growing up. I just couldn't get into reading. There are a handful of books that I read and enjoyed, but primarily I did what I needed to do for school (and Cliff's Notes is not the same as reading the actual book). Around the first of the year, my job began to get really slow. My travelling had ceased and I spent more time on the internet than anyone should be paid to spend. I have an active mind, however, sometimes too active. So, I had to find some outlets or inlets for filling my mind in my free time. I think it started with Andy Stanley's Visioneering. Since I had spent some time in the church he pastors, I figured I'd start with someone I know. This is a great book, and it coincided perfectly with my own scripture reading and place in life. With everything going on, I think I just needed a nudge… I was at the tipping point. And so it begins.

I think it was maybe mid-March '04 when this started. I started sharing my desire for ministry with some close friends, talked about it a little with my parents (this was not new news to them), and started looking into some things. "What kind of ministry?" That's probably the most common question I got, followed closely by "Have you considered staying in engineering and doing ministry on the side?". The first is understandable, the second… well, at best it is well-intended, at worst it is condescending and hindering to a person's faith. I'll leave that alone for now. As for what type of ministry, I was very unsure. I don't think I smile enough to be in ministry to children, nor am I goofy enough to do youth ministry. I talk a little slow, so I'm hesitant about teaching/pastoring (though it's not out of the question), so what remains? Well, that whole segment of the overlooked. Yeah, you know, the ones that are out of high school, but don't yet have kids. No one really pays much attention to this group. Though unsure of the type of ministry, at least I may have found a target.

The Peak… The Vision
At this point, I really hit my stride.I was devouring books.At times, I was taking in 2 a week. For some, that’s not a whole lot, but for me, I had read more books in two months than I had in my entire life (at least for “pleasure”). Sometime in late April/early May, something happened. I had a two week period or so, where I barely slept. I didn’t eat much (which is highly unusual), I was probably pretty zoned out, I wasn’t doing much work (not unusual)… I was just in this very strange state of mind – sort of. During that time, my mind was just elsewhere. Where? The Vision. To this day, I can’t put all of it into words, but let me say it this way. God gave me a glimpse, a picture like one of Van Gogh’s or maybe more like Lourenco, of a future. Funny thing is that His glimpse is just about all I could handle. It took me at least a couple weeks to come out of the fog. I’ve pieced together bits of it over time (you’d be surprised how big some of the “bits” are), but there’s still a lot that remains.

After those weeks, I started to write a lot. I started journaling, wrote a couple of things that started as small thoughts and ten pages later, I found myself ending. It was also during this time that I started to wonder if any of that vision could/would apply to the church which I currently serve. Though just volunteers, a few of us had undertaken the role of leading our singles ministry. I came to realize that much of it could not be implemented here, at least at that time. So, for the next 6 months, things were running “high.” It’s not often that God says to pitch a tent, because you are staying on the mountaintop for a while, but he did for me.

The Reformation
Now, I’m running on a 6 month high, but that would change. Actually, I would change, and my God would change – He didn’t really change, I just realized that I had some bad perceptions of Him. A series of things happened in succession, life happened in a funny way. My first relationship in some time, started real quick, and ended abruptly. It just wasn’t the right thing, but it still hurt. I had been looking for a new job since the first of the year. We were really slow, and had been bought out in the middle of summer. In addition, I really wasn’t that interested in continuing in my field, but was very interested in some other things. Well, a couple of really good potentials came up, and I jumped on them. One by one, though they turned from possibility to good chance to let’s really talk about getting you on board to . . . . . . All I saw were slammed doors, most of them catching me on the toes and fingers and face. A couple of them were from people with which I had a prior friendship.

It was also about this time that I really started examining my view of God. Previously, He had been the God that I learned about in Sunday school growing up, or in church my whole life, but some of that started making little sense. It made perfect sense to me as I had always known Him, but not good sense the way the Bible described Him. So, I started digging. I searched the Word and I searched myself. I believe that God is who He says He is, but is He who I say He is? I wasn’t so sure.

This continued on for a few months, and sometime around late ’04, I started wondering why God had put so much of an urge to go forward in service to him, and no direction to do so. As much reading as I had done, I wasn’t real keen on the idea of going to seminary. First, I wasn’t too thrilled with my first go-around in college, though I could attribute much of that to my lack of passion for engineering (plus GT is freaking hard). Second, what’s the use of seminary? I mean, am I really going to learn ministry work by going to some think tank, an island of theological thought? And what does it qualify me for anyway? Is my service in the church and my own spiritual development not enough? All questions I asked, all valid to some degree, and all infused with a heavy dose of defiance. It seems that I was more interested in killing some “tradition” in order to appease myself. Basically, I was just laying down some arguments to justify my lack of further education. Then, I relented. I looked at every seminary program I could find. I didn’t find the regular seminary tracts very appealing, but was even willing to look at them. After a month or so of searching, I was just uneasy about all of them. So, I took up my previous defiance.

Fast-forward through the first of the year… I had conversations with a couple of people and some things/names kept popping up. It was really pretty innocent. I looked at the website of 3 or 4 individuals (all very different) who seemed to have similar ideas on life, Christianity, and ministry as were in my head. After looking through these things, I noticed that they had a common thread – Bethel Seminary. A couple had attended seminary there, one taught, and one currently serves as a lecturer. So, I started to investigate Bethel. I’d heard of the college, though I don’t know where, but never the seminary. I didn’t know anything about the Baptist General Conference, so I investigated it, as well. After much review, I found that they had a distance program (appealing) that was very developed, a degree path that was a little out of the norm but in line with my own desires (very appealing), and a strong emphasis on practical ministry (incredibly appealing). In addition, they want to develop the whole Christian, not just the student, so they take very seriously their role of monitoring and feeding the whole person and not just the intellect. So, I started the application process in April or May, still a little skeptical. I spoke with advisors, pastors, and friends. It turns out Bethel decided I was ok for them, too.

The Beginning
Well, I guess this starts today…

Now don't take this the wrong way…

2005-09-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed how many qualifiers that you use in typical conversation? You know the little phrases, like the one above, that seem to make the statement of extra importance. Let me list a few to jog your memory.

I may be (am probably) wrong, but…
I'm going to be perfectly honest here…
I'm not real sure, but I will say this….
Don't get me wrong…
No offense, but…
Nothing personal….
If memory serves me….
I'm sorry to say this, but…
In my opinion…
…at least that's the way I see it.
Is it just me or does….

Do you have any other good ones?

Some of these are to soften the blow (I'm sorry to say this). Some seem unneccessary, and even redundant (perfectly honest - as opposed to what?). Some just seem flat out oxymorons (no offense, but… I'm going to offend you). And then, some seem to defeat the purpose of drawing importance to the statement (I am probably wrong, but…).

Why do we do this? Are we so afraid of offending someone that we have to do this? Or are we afraid of really taking a side/stand on something? I don't know the answer. I had a meeting the other day, and it seemed that for about 10-15 minutes, every person that spoke started with a qualifier. It seems that this phenomenon is growing. Maybe it's because I'm in more of an adult world, where opinions are more a matter of record, and can be something of an identity for you. Maybe it's because everyone is so touchy, so no one feels like they can be "perfectly honest" all the time. Maybe it's because most people view a person who's direct as mean.

I started to see this around the time I got tired of skirting stuff. One of the incidents that sticks in my mind was a shopping excursion in Versailles, France. I was studying abroad in Metz, Fr and my family had come over for vacation. My dad was going to be doing some work in Germany, and my older sis had just graduated college, so they decided to make a whole family thing of it. I had come to meet them in Paris, and we took a little excursion down to Versailles to visit the palace down there. Well, after the palace, my sisters decided to do some shopping in the little shops as we walked through the city. They seemed to be drawn to a shoe store, where they nearly got into a fight with the employee who didn't have the time or patience or care to try and figure out what European shoe size they wore or deal with their inability to speak French. So, after diffusing the situation, my sisters proceded to buy matching pairs of the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. Before the purchase, though, they felt the need to ask for my opinion. In retrospect, I see that they were only looking for my approval, so my "no" to their question of whether I liked the shoes was not taken to well. They were shocked and could not believe that I didn't like them, and kept on and kept on asking me and trying to convince me that I, in fact, really love these shoes. Well, I'd had enough, so I politely told them that these were, in fact, the ugliest shoes I'd ever seen, and I didn't believe that they would ever wear them. Again in retrospect, it was likely not the best approach to things, although somewhat prophetic. Anyway, they took great offense and any time something is brought up about those shoes, which may have received 3 wears between the 2 of them, they will comment on my meanness.

I will attest that my last statement on the shoes was rather mean, but why couldn't they just take my "No"? This is the kind of thing I'm talking about. Does this ever happen to you?

2005-09-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

2

MORE

DAYS!

my world in atlanta

2005-09-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

Here is what the latter part of my week looked like. I was sent to a prison... well, not really, but it was my "concrete box" for a few.

I had very little to do, so I spent some time on the computer/internet. But the dial-up was killing me, and the heat my computer generated was not helping my sweaty situation.

Every once in a while, I'd go outside and do a chemistry experiment on The World's Largest Bunsen Burner.

After singeing my entire body, and finally getting the mini-fridge thawed out, I figured it was time for bed... er cot.

It's always good to have a good book. I had the Good Book (not pictured) as well - also good.

Click on the pictures above. If you move your mouse over them on my Flickr page, you'll find little nuggets of info.

Later.

Radical Reformission revisited...

2005-09-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I finished this book, finally. I say finally, not because it took me a great amount of time to do so, but because it took much longer than I think it should take to read a 200 page book. I'm a slow reader, but enough of the complaining. Instead of giving you a play-by-play of the book, I'm going to give you some thoughts on how this affected me, and how it plays into my own life and "reformission" in Christ. It did, by the way, affect me. It is one of the most useful books I've read among "Christian" literature. Many books, most that I've read, that deal with issues of the postmodern culture - namely evangelism in this culture, give very little in the way of practical ministry. They are more concerned with shocking, converting, or even discouraging you to their way of thinking or from another. Dricoll, however, makes practical suggestions on approaching this generation/culture.

1. Driscoll defines, more or less, reformission as Gospel + Culture + Church = Reformission. It's sort of his definition/rewording of evangelism. This is helpful, because it is a reminder of a few things. He has some other formulas to illustrate the pitfalls in our cultures/world.

Gospel + Culture - Church = Parachurch (Campus Crusade, Young Life, etc)
Gospel + Church - Culture = Fundamentalism (many evangelical denominations)
Church + Culture - Gospel = Liberalism (many mainline denominations)

I find that too often I fall into category 2. It's not so much that I shun my the culture around me. I happen to enjoy a lot of secular music, movies, tv, et all. What I have done though is created/lived in a subculture of my church (little "c"). I have few friends here, outside of my fellowship, and even fewer who are unbelievers. This is an especially difficult scenario for me, because I'm not very outgoing by nature and I desire to work in Christian ministry. Believe me, I have no desire to minister solely to Christians, but would rather minster primarily to un(not yet)believers. I need to make some changes.

2. Part of what is fueling my difficulties in #1 is my unwillingness to cross barriers. Don't confuse this with crossing boundaries, now, but there are many barriers that I have placed in my life as pseudo-boundaries. I use some super-Christian jargon to satisfy myself or elevate my standing in my little Christian world, but the truth is that I'm scared. I'm probably scared that I'll lose some acceptance in my cozy world... probably scared that I'll follow some slippery slope into crossing the boundaries. I don't know. Part of this is a product of the idea that we've been taught, in error, that we sould isolate ourselves from sin in order to protect ourselves from it. Well, I'm here to tell you that I'll need to become one of those monks - no, I might as well die - to isolate myself. The truth is we often teach about sin incorrectly... well, I'll get into that at another time. Personal example of this: one of the best times I've had in the past couple of years was a raggae concert I attended in Houston. However, it was in a club and there was more weed in that place than there was sense. Many churches would tell me that it's wrong for me to go, but you know, the guys played good music. I danced among a lot of sweaty, high, and lost people... and there was no greater a percentage of sinners or greater amount of sinning going on in there as there is in my church building on Sunday mornings.

3. My faith in God to carry me through much of my life is weak. I trust Him to give me direction, to help me secure employment, to blah blah blah. That's the small stuff. The big stuff is the little stuff we do everyday, all day. It's life, and living. I don't trust Him enough to take my acts of everyday life, and make them extraordinary. I don't trust Him enough to allow me to exercise freedoms that He has granted me, even freedoms that He died for, and not be judged harshly. What do I do instead? I create a "standard" that is unbiblical, and live by laws that are mine. I effectively negate all of God's grace, because... maybe I don't have the faith to understand how He could grant me that which I don't deserve.

4. He showed me evidence that the programming of church doesn't/shouldn't be the same everywhere. He showed me evidence that you can do things that some will call crazy, or worse, and still be firmly grounded in the redeeming Gospel of Jesus.

5. He reminded me how sick I am of hearing so many Christians complain, malign, and shun the Church. I'm not saying there aren't issues that need to be worked on. I'm not saying there aren't many current and past failures, even to the point of tragedies, committed in the name of God and/or the Church. I'm not saying these things should be overlooked. But, it's like a family... I don't want to hear your crap unless you show love for the family and a willingness to put in the work to help fix it. There are enough talking-heads in politics and media, we need family members.

6. His style hit upon something I've been thinking about a lot, lately. He is very direct, and makes no apology for scriptural teachings. He doesn't make a bunch of clever arguments. Rather, he lays out what scripture teaches, how that fits into culture, and how this could/should play out in the Church. He's very honest, and only gives the Sunday school answers when appropriate, and only gives the "we're failing the Gospel" answers when needed. I've heard a lot of these "big time" preachers. You know, the guys people want to pattern ministries and churches around. It seems to me that the most effective ones have been the ones who presented the Word honestly and directly. Not the hell-fire insurance guys, nor the flighty everything is love guys. No, I'm talking about the ones that are true to God's Word, and understand how to present it in a manner that is understandable and practical.

7. I figured seven was a good Biblical number, so I'd finish here. Driscoll confirmed my desire to find new ways to present the Gospel to dying generations, namely my own. One of the most poignant lines in this book is about looking at the way we program our church gatherings and mission to determine if they are best suited to evangelize our community. He says, "Some churches and leaders do not see their failure because the few Christians who attend their church do so because they enjoy it, find it meaningful, and therefore do not consider that they are a declining cultural minority."

That's all I've got for now. Hope you all had a great weekend, and have a great week. If you can't tell, I really enjoyed this book.

back in the a-t-l.

2005-09-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

well, i'm back in atlanta, but this time is a bit different. i'm now working pretty much 24 hours, though i am able to sleep at night, and i'm at a different location. the catch on it all is that this other location has no sink, shower, toilet, couch, or tv. so, on my way down, i picked up a cot for sleeping. i've been relieved for a couple hours, and i'm back over at the "better" site to get a shower and stuff. i'll be done here tomorrow morning, but i may have to come back next week. joy!

on the plus side of things, i finally finished with john ortberg's if you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat. it's taken me a while to finish, because life happened. i'd recommend it, though it's not a revolutionary book by any means.

i also started another book, mark driscoll's radical reformission, last night and finished about half of it. this is really a great book so far. click on my currently reading to check out the book. i really like the way this book is set up. you have to read it to understand, but i really like driscoll's style and more importantly the content. for any of you church geeks, this guy is part of what is now called the emergent church "movement." unlike many of his fellow emergent, though, he does not seem to compromise Christ in the name of relevancy, nor does he stray from the Bible as authority. i'll let you know how this one turns out.

you know, it's really kind of dangerous to put someone like me in a room with little/no outside contact with a couple of good books, a couple bibles, and pen/paper. my mind races like crazy on a normal day, but i don't have the wherewithall to formulate most of the thoughts into ideas, or ideas into sentences.

oh, define irony: wednesday night, i slept better than i have in probably 3-4 years. i went to bed about 9pm, and i don't remember waking up once before 6:30am. then, last night, i went to "cot" around 3am, and woke up about 10 times between then and 7:30am.

guys are not in control of relationships: why kyle isn't in one

2005-09-21T07:51:00.000-07:00

due to a comment on my previous post, i'm going to answer some questions about (1)if guys are "in the lead" on starting relationships, what's the hangup? (2)what's my major malfunction? without further ado...

guys are really not in control of the situation.

ask any guy you know. i'm serious, any guy will tell you that girls hold about 95% of the power when it comes to the start of the relationships. i am sure if you ask a girl, she will say the opposite, but here's the deal. we have the most to risk in the beginning. here's a little rundown.

there's the obvious... rejection. most girls are terrible at turning guys down, and most guys have been turned down. here's some of the fun ones. you ask a girl and you go on a couple dates, only to find out that she was never really interested in the first place. you ask a girl and she nearly laughs in your face. you ask a girl and she gives a really good reason why she can't... you ask again and get a really good reason... you ask again and get a really good reason (you start to get it about now). not all of those are first hand, but they are all reasonable. the truth of the matter is that most guys value honesty. "kyle, i'm not really interested in you in that way." that's all i want - it would make the whole thing much better.

there's the less obvious... we have no idea what's going on. i can listen to a girl talk about a friendship with another guy, and i can tell you by his actions whether he's into her or not - probably to about 99% accuracy. with a girl, you never know. look, i'm a fairly perceptive person when it comes to this stuff (this has been confirmed by female friends), but it's freakin hard to read most girls. i've had girls tell me, "well, i thought i had made it pretty obvious to him." just because you look at him when he's not looking. most of us don't need to know for sure that you're interested - at least not in the teen send-a-friend sort of way - but we are trying to minimize our chances at a bad rejection.

there's the even less obvious... because the beginning is so much about physical/relational attraction, we're handicapped to begin with. if some girl walks into a room looking really good, a guy that's half-way interested is doomed. i mean, write him off, because he's going to be meat for the rest of the time she's around.
why kyle isn't in a relationship

i'm going to approach this one a little different. here are the top "critiques" i get from family/friends on my dating (or lack of) habits.

1. you're too picky: the way i see it, this breaks down into 3 categories of critique. character, looks, personality.

you expect too much of a girl: yeah, i'm picky. shouldn't i be? here's how it works for me, and some of the things i think about. i'm not just looking for the "good Christian girl." look, i'm going into full-time ministry, and i need a girl that can support that. see, i think along with ministry comes some unique obstacles. she has to be able to hold her own (to some extent) in adversity. she has to be willing to move at the drop of a hat if i/we are called elsewhere. she has to have the character and strength in her own faith to be a leader in the church, in her own right. now, some of this has to be fleshed out in a dating relationship. i know that, but if i see something awry before, well that's that.
you're superficial: maybe, but here's the thing. should i date someone i'm not attracted to? how would a girl feel if i couldn't tell her she looked beautiful? i'm not nitpicky here. i don't look at a girl and say, "her ears are to big... her eyes are funny... she has big ankles..." i don't have a type, either. if you could see the lineup of girls i've dated, nearly dated, asked out, been interested in... well, you'd understand. i'm attracted to all sorts of looks, though attraction goes further than looks.
no girl is perfect: i'm not looking for a perfect girl, just one that has a personality that fits mine. not too obnoxious, not too quiet. i like a girl with a "voice", who will call me on things when needed, who will make some decisions of her own, and who won't put unrealistic expectations on me (i do enough of that for 5 people).

2. you don't have to marry her: ok, i'm not a big fan of casual dating. i don't date just to date, and i don't date girls that i see no future with. that's a waste of both of our time/energy. at the same time, i'm not looking to be married in a month. i want to date a girl without feeling like the fate of the world rests on whether we get married or not. whether they subscribe in principle or not, many Christian girls have "kissed dating goodbye." they put crazy expectations on budding relationships. there has to be some middle ground.

3. you have to ask a girl to have a date: yeah, what's your point. i'll ask if i want to. really. there's just not many/any girls around lately that interest me. sorry. oh, here's something along these lines. for some reason about 3 out of every 5 girls that i'm interested in, have long-term guys that i didn't know about. usually it happens that i'm just getting to know her, and we really seem to click... then i find out. i think i've boiled it down to this: girls with steadies don't have to worry about "putting their best foot forward" or any of that b.s. they have some guy somewhere, and they have license to be themselves. this doesn't happen much in Christian circles otherwise.

4. you've got to get out and meet new people: this is a fair one, especially lately. unless you've walked into my place of work, church building, or my house, then i don't know you. it's really a problem that has more implications than just dating.

there ya go.

oh the irony of life

2005-09-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

if you ever wondered whether God has a sense of humor, well wonder no more. not only does He have one, it's often filled with irony and sarcasm and is a little twisted.

take yesterday. in the afternoon, i blogged/lamented on the utter joys of being single. so, last night i start reading my daily "read the Bible in a year" devotion and what do i find on page 1? song of freakin solomon. you've got to be kidding me! now, this is a great book, normally. but, after having a day like yesterday... well, i seriously considered skipping it. i didn't, though, and apparently it didn't kill me. i mean it's like reading job when you are on top of the world... just plain wrong!

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

these days...

2005-09-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

these days...
the single life is difficult. they seem to come in an ebb and flow.

in the flow, i really don't think about being single, or if i do, it doesn't really affect me. i've gone through stretches of days, weeks, and even months where dating was the last thing on my mind. these times are not void of pain, but it's much more tame. it's not wanting to let go of the possibilities... being indifferent to the point of defiant against marriage/relationships... maybe some other stuff that doesn't come to mind.

then comes the ebb. these periods of time are of varying difficulty and time. some last only a few days, but that's the exception. the rule seems to be that they last longer (we're talking months at present), and are much more frequent than the alternative. generally speaking, i'm past the whole sex thing, though i'm certainly not imune to it. most of the time, i just want someone to share life with... to experience things for the first time together... to introduce and be introduced to the routines of our lives... to fight with over where we're going to go eat... to celebrate with over job promotions and school acceptances... all that and more.

the ebb brings with it that dull pain when you go to a restaurant and sit alone. it makes me question whether i blew it with girls from the past - the ones i dated and the ones i chose not to ask. it makes me scan crowds, restaurants, and even(maybe worst of all) church events to see if there is anyone who might be... a possibility, looking my way, dating another guy. it makes me wonder if?... and when?... and why/not?

it will happen when you least expect it... you'll find her when you quit looking... you're still young.... oh, you're doing the smart thing, there's no rush. in the flow, i don't really understand these cliches. but in the ebb, i resent them.

so, here's to looking for calm water. somewhere in between the ebb and flow. in engineering, we call it equilibrium... in life, i call it relief.

this too is futile...

2005-09-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

i was reading in ecclesiastes last night, and remembered how great this book is. a lot of people don't like this book. they say it's too negative or pessimistic or whatever. i say it's, at worst, puts things into perspective, and at best, is revolutionary. revolutionary? yeah, see i view it as the entire backdrop to a verse in 1 corinthians.

"so, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and steady, always enthusiastic about the Lord's work, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." - 1 corinthians 15:58

you see, we sit around and try to figure out how to make the most money, or get the most power, or have the perfect marriage, and so much more, but it's all futile. it's all pursuits of the wind. see, there's nothing wrong, necessarily, with making money or having power or a great marriage. but without a foundation of doing them in work for God, they are meaningless.

i think sometimes "the Lord's work" we do is equally futile. i had a thought a little while ago. do you think that the Church in china or india or iraq or any of the persecuted Church sit around and say, "i don't really think contemporary music will work" or "no, i'm just not comfortable with small groups" or any of the wrangling that we sit around and discuss? or do you think they wait around until someone just walks into their house while they are having a secret Church "service" in order to share the good news of Christ and the coming of His Kingdom? do you think there is much doubt that they live daily by luke 9:23? do you think they have much model for church, other than acts 2:42-47?

my guess is that most would be beside themselves in ecstasy over the chance to openly worship Jesus. i don't think that most would say "i'm just not getting much out of worship," because they probably realize that worship is about what God is getting from them.

i was a little curious what the word "ecclesiastes" actually meant, so i looked it up. there's a neat website i found awhile back that is an etymology dictionary. anyway, the word means "preacher." i think that's probably fitting, because the writer, probably solomon, is more or less saying that all the crap we fill our lives with is futile. so, he says that we should fill it with things that bring us great joy, and as i said before, i think it precludes doing the things of the Lord.

so, there you go. my thoughts for the night.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

as all freedoms go...

2005-09-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

once again, the few ruin things for the many. i've had to change my comment settings, due to some advertisers placing ads in my comments. sorry. everyone is still welcome to comment, but you have to register now.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

**update** thanks to j-9's suggestion, your freedom to anonomously comment has been restored.

boooom

2005-09-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

ok, so i didn't get any atlanta pics. but, here are a few from boomsday. every labor day weekend here in knoxville, there's this big thing called boomsday. it's really just a reason to shoot fireworks. so, here's a few pics. if you'd like to see the whole set, click here.

this is maybe my favorite of the whole lot. mainly, i just love fireworks... especially loud ones.

smile! do you see the face?

breaking silence

2005-09-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

i have been a little reluctant to blog about everything happening in s. mississippi and louisiana. between trying to wrap my mind around some of the aftermath and dealing with some of my own things, i just haven't been compelled to write. plus, there are so many who have weighed in on this that i'm not sure i have anything to add. the following entry may jump around a little, but that's just how it sits in my mind.

hurricane katrina hit mississippi and s. alabama, too!
i am terribly saddened that so many people have died in this hurricane and flooding. while i don't view death as a necessarily terible thing, i can't imagine how many of these people died only to find a greater horror awaiting. it confirms to me that i'm not doing enough in spreading the Gospel.
i can not imagine what it's like to lose everything, as so many have. it's one thing to give it willingly, but another to have it taken. i can't imagine how violated they feel.
regardless of what you will say, there is a race issue here - though it reaches a little further than race! it's not the kanye west, republican whiteys hate the black man crap. the issue is this: the people most affected, most stranded, most forgotten are the poor people. why are the poor of n.o. so disproportionately black? some will say that n.o. have a very high population of black people. ok, but is it in the 90% range, because i'd say that 90% of the stranded people i see on tv are black... and that's conservative.
ther issue is also media issue here. i saw a great piece on abc exposing the racism in the media - the great bastion of hope (or so they would lead you to believe). they showed two pictures that had appeared in media (i'm not sure if it was newsprint or online). one showed a black man wading in chest high water with a trash bag floating behind. the caption read something like "man wading in chest high water after looting a local grocery store." the second photo was of a white man and woman, wading in chest high water with bags floating behind. the caption read "man and woman wading in chest high water after finding bread and water at a local market." if you watch the news, they portray every person going into a grocery store as a looter. look, if i'm sitting around with my family for 3 days with no food, i'm going to go into a 7-11 and get us some food - and so would you. yes, there are people going into electronic stores and such, but to lump everyone into the same pile just makes for a better story, and actually adds to the hysteria in the meantime.
i'm tired of people saying "who's to blame?" this is not the time to start blaming people. why is no one asking, "what's the problem, what is fundamentally wrong here that caused a lack of aid?" in my way of thinking, relief efforts/procedures should be set up so that the only way a single person can hinder the process is by acting in a totally malicious and neglegent way. i heard a great quote a few weeks ago by jim collins on the charlie rose show. he said "don't mistake luck for competence. if you're lucky your luck runs out, then you may be stranded in a bad situation." right now, we should be asking what we have assumed to be competent, when it's really a case that we've been lucky.
i really feel useless in this whole relief effort. yes, i can give money and have, but i just feel like i'm not being a productive participant. because of my sudden shift to atlanta, i am unable to attend red cross training here in knoxville. i'm going to check into it in atlanta, but i'm working the night shift, so i don't know if i'll be able to get in for training.
i'm already preparing myself for the musicians and hollywood personalities that will abuse this situation to boost their own "star." politicians, too. it happens in every crisis or disaster, and it makes me sick. oh, and there will be some talking heads saying that God was punishing the u.s. and n.o. for imorality. these people in n.o., mississippi, and alabama deserve to die about as much as i deserve to live... which is to say that neither deserve it or maybe we all deserve to die. blahh. makes me sick!
maybe i'm naive, but i don't believe that politians act out of purely political motives all of the time. come on, there are people dieing. i think they care a little bit, at least.

i think that's enough for now.

atlanta, you feel like home

2005-09-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

so, i drove into atlanta yesterday. i'm going to be working down here for the next 3 weeks or so, though it looks like i'll get weekend reprieves. anyway, as i was driving in, i just realized how comfortable i feel in atlanta. i stopped at the target up in marietta. drove through town and saw my old church, apartment, campus, and a number of places i frequented (at least the ones visible from the interstate). i don't really get it. i know i spent the better part of 5 years here, and the time spent was during my first "on my own" adventures. but... there's not one thing in particular that i can point to that really separates it in my mind. so, here are a few things that i like...

i enjoy being a minority in the city. it's a little different feeling, but one i'm comfortable with.
i like talking to old black people. they have a way about them that screams "everything happens in due time."
i like having more than 3 lanes of interstate through downtown.
it's neat to see that churches like this one expand up, instead of expanding out.
it's always nice to know that 98% of restaurants here serve coca-cola instead of pepsi, so that i don't have to change my order (coke is based here, if you didn't know).
i enjoy flipping on the news or sitting in a restaurant and hearing people talk about my school's football team.

that's all for now. i'll be back in k-town tomorrow sometime. i may piddle around atlanta tomorrow a little and take some pics - that i'll be sure to post. i definitely want to go back to campus and see what's going on around there.

2005-09-07T18:52:00.000-07:00

i really hate selfishness... especially my own. today, my former youth pastor had a kidney transplant, but i have been so preoccupied with my own petty stuff, i haven't even thought to say a prayer for him.

LORD, i am sorry that i am so selfish. help me to think of others before myself, and You above all. please protect jeff waldo in his surgery and place a hand of healing on him during recovery. please be a comfort to jeff's family. LORD, thank you for the heart of jerry wooley. a man who out of Your Spirit felt such compassion that he donated a kidney to a man he had never met. please bless him and his family. Amen.

along comes life

2005-09-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

as if i needed anything to add to the pot...

here's a rundown of my crazy day, or at least the "highlights."

10am
bossman: how do you feel about spending a week in atlanta?
me: ummm. ok, when?
bossman: today, maybe. i'll let you know later today.
1pm
leave for lunch and allergy shot, only to remember that it's tuesday and my doctor leaves early on tuesdays.
1:05
good lunch read a little
1:30
stop by the church, get info on local relief efforts to send in email.
2pm
back at work. get email sent.
3pm
me: any word on atlanta?
bossman: well, don't know for sure, but bring a packed suitcase tomorrow morning and i'll let you know then.
me: good, cause i don't have any clean clothes.
3:45
schedule meeting interrupted by bossman telling me that i'm going for sure to atlanta in the morning.
3:50
meeting over.
me: so what do i need to know? do i need to pack for 3-4 days, .... (interrupted) week
bossman: [chuckling] more like 3-4 weeks.
me:
bossman: we're going to have to put a rotation of 3-4 guys to send down there, possibly until spring.
me: uhhhh, ok.
4pm
i sit down at my desk, only to realize that school starts in oct, and my plans were to quit before school started. how is this going to work? what if i get down there and have to quit?
4:10
me (to supervisor): can i talk to you in the conference room for a minute? me: this is a little wierd to say, but, well [heart beating like getting the epi shot a couple weeks ago - that's another story] i'm going to be starting a graduate degree in october. i had planned to wait for a couple of weeks to turn in my notice, but with all the melee going on, i thought i should let you know what's going on. i don't want to be down there and quit and leave you all in a bind. so, i'll kind of leave it in your hands as to whether this is actually my 2 week notice or whether i should work out the month.
supervisor: [stunned] well, what would you prefer?
me: well, financially speaking, it would be nice to work out the month. i don't mind going to atlanta, but at the same time you all need to do what you deem best for the company.
supervisor: well, i guess i don't see any reason why you couldn't work the month out. what kind of degree? will you be moving?
me: actaully, it's a seminary degree, and no i won't be moving. it's primarily a distance education.
supervisor: [searching awkwardly for words] well, i hope that this next endeavor is what's meant for you. i guess if that's what you think is meant for you, then you should do what you think is meant for you.
4:30
same conversation with bossman
4:45
pack up computer and stuff. leave office.
5pm
phone appointment with ddworak of bethel inministry program for information.

that pretty much sums it up, plus a few things here and there.

much to teach, more to learn...

2005-09-01T13:49:00.000-07:00

there's an old chinese proverb that goes something like this:

give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

yet Jesus commands peter in john 21,

"feed my sheep."

so, when we are feeding God's sheep, should we also teach them to feed themselves?

one question...

2005-08-30T23:10:00.000-07:00

does good leadership always achieve the desired results?

convince me!

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

i love to love you baby...

2005-08-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

i love it when reality is funnier than any story you could make up. read my e.r. account here.

i love making fun of myself. i once got a fortune cookie fortune that read, "he who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at." i carried it in my wallet for like 5 years or more. again, see above statement for my e.r. visit on saturday night.

i love having a good meal with good friends. i went to taste of thai tonight with some friends as a sendoff for janine. i think we all enjoyed our meal. i had prik pao pork (thai hot) for the first time, and it was quite tasty. we laughed a lot!

i love it when people say yes to God, especially my friends. it doesn't matter what the situation is, whether an acceptance of Him, submission to Him, or answering a call from Him. i just love to see this. janine leaves tomorrow for germany. she will be serving there for a year teaching english as a second language and doing a sports ministry with a local college and high school.

i love it that God creates us uniquely to serve Him. again, janine was a track standout here at university of tennessee, and also has a chemistry degree. the local college she'll be working with is a tech school. oh, and i think i forgot that her dad moved to the u.s. from germany, and she speaks pretty much fluently.

i love having people around me who care as much and are as passionate in serving God as i am. i'd be pulling my hair out right now, or gone, if it weren't for some very close friends. seeing God work in their lives, and seeing the love they have for Him and His children inspires me. i have had conversations the last two nights with good friends of mine, and i can only hope that i pour into them as much as they pour into me.

i love that i see/hear/read the accounts of others (peers) who love God wholly. i've met some in the blogging world, read of some in books and magazines, and know of some through stories of friends. there is an uprising... it is not a movement (temporary), but movement toward God (continuing).... i got the new issue of relevant magazine today, and they talk about 12 people who have risked it all to make a difference. while i'm not sure i agree with all of them, the inclusion of peter greig is noteworthy. here's a guy who i hadn't heard his name a week ago, but knew of his legacy... at least a little of it. he helped to start the 24-7 prayer connection, and there whole thing is that they believe prayer changes the world. so, they've committed to pray 24-7! he also wrote what is called the vision. i was introduced to this by another blogger, and if it doesn't stir something in you... you are probably dead! i am not joking about that!

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

ladies.... please

2005-08-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

you'll just have to wait. that's right... i am unable to get married this week. on saturday, i was making some guacamole and i sliced my left ring finger (wedding finger) with a meat cleaver, and i don't believe a wedding band would fit over my sewn up finger. so, for any lady out there that had her hopes up, i am truly sorry.

i told someone at church, yesterday, this very thing. she quickly replied, "yeah, 'cause that's what's keeping you from getting married this week?" - to be honest, i'm not real sure what she meant by that!?!

i really did cut my finger making guac, and i really do have 6 sutchers. i went to e.r. on saturday night and had quite an interesting experience. i was taken to the idiot end of small hallway (read: male end).

one guy walked in looking pretty normal, albeit a tad intoxicated, until he turned around. looking like a flourescent green and orange growth on the back of his bald head was a fairly large bass fishing lure. somehow in the forward motion of his casting, he had managed to embed both hooks into the back of his head. what surprised me, besides the obvious, was that he seemingly knew the doctor... well, until he revealed that he had made a visit to the e.r. only 3 or 4 days before, needing a fishing hook removed from his hand.

also in the dummy wing was a young man of about 20 years with a severely bloodied hand. it was pretty obvious that he had punched something, but only after the story was it truly funny. my first instinct was to make sure that he had hit a something and not a someone, but he offered up a barn as the culprit. per his words, he got really mad while outside, and thought about hitting the side of the barn. "everything else i've ever punched has just broken," he assured me, but the barn wall didn't. my guess... either he hit the wall in the location of the stud, or being an old barn, the wood may have severely dried out, making it next to impenetrable. his hand was not broken, but the bone on the backside of his had that is connected to his right ring finger was out of place, having ridden up above the wrist. all of his knuckles were bloody... it was really pretty gross. they weren't able to get it back in place, so he would have to wait until monday to see a specialist. oh, i forgot to mention that he actually took a crow hop before punching the barn... kind of a hop step for those that don't know baseball.

all in all, an interesting evening, if not incredibly long. after 4 hours in the e.r., one must glean some lessons. here are mine:

(1) never fish drunk
(2) .... or with that guy
(3) always take a book to the e.r. when possible
(4) if i'm going to punch a barn, i need to use my "weak" hand
(5) if i have avacados that are not quite ripe, i can stick them in the microwave to soften them a bit
(6) find a hospital that has more than one e.r. doctor

that's all, i think.

2005-08-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

i can't figure out what i want to say here. i've tried to type a couple of times, but i can't seem to get anything coherent to take shape. oh well, here goes...

sometimes i want to write something in a blog, but i hold back. some of it has to do with not wanting to offend certain people who may/not read it. sometimes, i don't want to show myself in a bad light. sometimes, it's too personal. sometimes, it's because i'm private. sometimes, i just forget.

i have family and friends that tell me,often, that i'm too picky in pursuing dates. i've been told that i expect too much from a girl. that i'm shallow. that i don't have to really like the girl that much to just go on a date. questioned whether i'm scared to date. questioned whether i am gay. told that the right girl will find me. that i'm doing the "smart thing" by not getting married, yet, and somehow not looking hard enough to find a girlfriend.

i'm not afraid of divorce, but it scares the sh** out of me. i had an email conversation with a fellow blogger, recently, about relationships and divorce. thankfully, divorce has not hit my immediate family, but it has hit my extended family and a lot of friends' families. i know the reality of divorce, even if i don't know it personally. at the same time, if i let the fear of divorce grip me, as so many of my generation have, i'm done. i might as well not get into any dating relationship, because it will cause nothing but pain for all involved.

i spent 5 years in school and, now, 3 years working in engineering. it's ok, i guess, though the recurring boredom of my job may have soured me on a lot. but... i've got a good degree from a good school, and i've got experience in all sorts of things. so, even with idea of going to seminary and some sort of ministry, shouldn't there be some way i can leverage some of these things to support my "habit"?

that's all i have for tonight, except to say that my prayers are with those in nawlins and the surrounding areas. i drove through a portion of nawlins about a week and a half ago. sitting between the gulf and lake pontchatrain and about 6' below sea level, this city might be underwater for weeks. please pray for mercy on the city and its people.

my parents are really cool

2005-08-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

yeah, i said it. i love my parents... well, the rest of my family, too. i just wanted to call out my parents, specifically. after my trip to college station to be with my super smarty lil sis for her graduation, i took the entire week off (last week). with school looming, and the thought of quitting my nice-paying job, in order to intern at my church and downgrade to a part-time job, i have deemed it wise to attempt to sell my condo. the catch, of course, being that i still have a fair amount of work to do on it in order to command a worthy price.

so, being the ever-handy dad that he is, my dad came up for pretty much the entire week and helped me knock out a huge chunk of the work. we trimmed the entire place (baseboards and trim), fixed the futon, remodeled my bathroom, and did a bunch of work in the kitchen. we worked 10 hour days for 3-4 days, painting, sawing, nailing, caulking, and oh so much more. i mean, at 10 dolars an hour, i'd owe him a lot of $$. plus, he supplied most of the tools. pretty cool if you ask me.

ok, so, my mom came in last week while we were working and gives me one of those mom questions. you know, the ones that you're not real sure how to answer, or if you should at all. "kyle, if you'll let me spend a little money, i'll make this place look really nice to help it sell. is that ok?" well, she probably chose a moment while i was laying in an awkward position trying to nail some trim, or maybe when i was painting in the 96° weather (she's smart like that), so what can you say? "yeah, i guess.?!? just don't make it all girly!" today, one day after her **st birthday, she decides to come up and do a bunch of stuff... while i'm at work. clever, again - that's where i get it. basically, there's no telling what my place will look like when i get home. i went home at lunch and she had all this stuff laying around. i have no idea what she planned to do with it, but sometimes it's best to just say "thank you, mom" and not ask.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

2005-08-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure what has set me off, but i just want to punch a wall or something. i'd punch one, but i want to sell this place soon, and there is enough to do without patching a wall. i'm pissed! it's really not about anything in particular. i'm just pissed!

actually, i lied just now. there are some things that are pissing me off. it seems that everywhere i turn, someone is bitchin' and moaning about blah, blah, blah, blah. is no one grateful for what they have? does no one want to put the effort into making things better? does no one else want to sacrifice for the Savior, Who sacrificed all?

i'm tired of sitting here, waiting to see if anything will happen. i'm tired of talking in metaphor or some sort of fancy code, with eloquent language. there is too much at stake. too many lives! you can fight with rhetoric and hyperbole, i'll fight with truth and love. you can go it alone or continue to sit in your chair, but i'm going to find some people who are willing to take a stand... and press on!... and perhaps the Lord will act on our behalf.

i could continue on, scratching my chin, nodding my head, and mumbling "mmmhhhmmm" or "amen." and if that's all i do, i will continue on a slow decay. i'll die of sheer boredom. i want the inhibition of david, dancing naked in the street. i want the audacity of stephen, who stood up to proclaim the name of Jesus "look, i see heaven open up and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God," even after being threatened. i want the resolve of paul, who perservered through beatings, stonings, ridicule, a shipwreck, and countless imprisonments. i want the boldness of peter to say, "Lord, if that is you, tell me to come." i may actually die quicker by changing, whether from exhaustion, old age, who knows... but at least i'll live!

expanding my sphere...

thereeser (aka: the fool)

bored and tired...

2005-08-24T08:10:00.000-07:00

this is not a good combination while sitting at work with nothing to do.

2005-08-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

in the night she awakens me with the light of her laugh
her smile through my tired eyes is blinding,
though never do i turn away
she haunts my dreams with welcomed arrival,
but i can't see her face.

her words of passion and love are a symphony
the violin comforts with its soothing melodies,
and the cymbals crash with the boldness of a great army
her heart consumes me like brass in bold harmonies,
but we never speak.

...

real or surreal

2005-08-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

ok, i had a weird thought today, brought on by a few conversations in a number of different arenas. some talk about relationships made on the internet (romantic and otherwise), some talk about communities, and the list goes on. for some, these relationships are extensions of their local network of relationship or connections to relationships of the past. in this way, it's really just a way of keeping in touch, sharing ideas/dreams/conversations with multiple friends who are not able to be in the same place at the same time. this i understand.

i have a few friends who have found dating relationships through the internet. though not all were intentionally setting out to do so, all were intentional in how they kept the relationship going, which includes a lot of face-time.

personally, i have "met" a number of people through blogging. i probably wouldn't recognize most of them if i bumped into them on the sidewalk. i can probably pick up their writing style, though. as the title of my blog is expanding my sphere, i also understand the desire to connect with others to some degree. part of me questions, though, how real these relationships are. i mean, in this world, words are chosen carefully, no facial expressions, no voice inflection, no eyes lighting up or rolling, humor (especially sarcasm) is mostly lost, and there is no physical contact. you say stuff that you might not normally say to a "stranger," yet you hold back b/c local friends may read your thoughts.

thanks to sally's comment, i've amended this post adn added a couple more questions. 3 questions...

1. how real is this world?
2. how real are you in this world?
3. can a real relationship be formed in this world and extend to the physical world?

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

2005-08-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

take from me,
take all i am.
You've given me
all that i have.
take from me.

what do i have to do?
You said You love me,
but how can i love You?
where is the beginning
and when is the end?

i come here with nothing.
is that enough for You?
what more do you want?
when is the beginning
and where is the end?

my love is your love is your love is my love

2005-08-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

i think i'm actually making progress on this series, now, as i am on my condo as well. a lot of thought and a lot of work. i actually fell asleep writing this last night a couple of times. so, i picked it back up today. if you missed the third installment of this series, earlier today, just scroll down, or click here.

ok, the peter/Jesus agape-phileo conversation...so, Jesus asks peter if he loves (agape) Him, and peter says he loves (phileo) Him. then Jesus gives the command to feed His sheep. Jesus and peter exchange an almost identical question/answer, with a very similar command to follow. then Jesus asks the same question, replacing agape with phileo. peter replies the same and the command to follow is the same.

i've always heard the same interpretation for this passage.... Jesus is giving instruction to peter & further to the church on how to minister in this world - how to shepherd. the three times asked are for thorough instruction as well as mirroring the three denials of Jesus by peter before the crusifixion. oh, and the change from agape to phileo in Jesus last question is the "meet them where they are" type of thing. well i want to propose something a little different - maybe just a different perspective.

what if the key to that whole interaction is the love. it is quite evident that the only thing that really changes in their interaction... the only discrepency between their question and answer is the words used for love. as is well documented in the new testament, Jesus disciples were, as we often are, slow at picking up on the point of Jesus words. let's suppose that Jesus is trying to tell peter that he can experience and even share agape love. as i mentioned in in my previous post, i don't believe that i am capable of this. well, maybe peter thought the same way. so, here is how my paraphrase would go, including the intent of Jesus.

J: peter, do you agape me?
p: You know that i can't agape you, but i phileo You.
J: feed my lambs.
J: do you agape me, peter?
p: You know that i can't agape you, but i phileo You.
J: take care of my sheep - be a good shepherd.
J: ok, peter... then do you phileo me?
p: (still not getting it - and nowa little hurt) i've told You twice now. yes, i phileo You.
J: ok, peter. if you want to know the agape love, then feed my sheep. be a shepherd, as I am a shepherd. I know you have phileo love down, and you will know that to the full - the greatest - by giving your life as I did. but to know the agape love, you have to be a shepherd as I was, and take care of My sheep as I did. then you will share in agape love. don't fear... follow me.

so, the whole point of this exchange was to show peter - and us - that we can experience the agape love that Jesus displayed by following Him and tending His sheep.

if you missed my earlier post today, or you'd like to see the others... here's the history of the series.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

then there was love... and love... and love

2005-08-18T09:39:00.000-07:00

and now we return to...

ok, so i took a break from this series for a while. i've been thinking about this stuff for a while, but it usually doesn't really work itself out until i start typing. so here goes....

to my understanding, there are 3 greek words for love: eros, phileo, and agape. most of us know this sort of stuff, or have at least heard of it. eros is the romantic sensual love, which is where our word erotic is derived. phileo is commonly referred to as brotherly love... like philiadelphia is the "city of brotherly love." agape is... well perfect love. strikingly, in my previous stab at this, i identified three potential opposites of love. believe me, this was not planned. if you read the last post, you will see where one of the possibilities was a game-time addition.

so.... eros, phileo, agape ---- hate, indifference, fear
supposedly, i am an arranger or something, so i guess this should be easy for me.

i'll start with eros, which is the only one of the three that doesn't appear in the bible. so, i really have a lot of liberty to make stuff up here. eros is all about emotion, though often characterized by physical response (you know all the sweaty palms, nervousness, etc). so, with that said... wouldn't/couldn't the opposite of this be hate? hate is also all about emotion characterized by physical response (rage, clinched jaw, muscle tension, etc).

phileo... well, this one does appear in the bible, most notably when Jesus asks peter if he "loves (agape) Him" three consecutive times and peter replies that he "loves (phileo) Him."( more later) i realize that this would be much easier if i actually knew greek and could look the word up, but hopefully no one cares that much. so, what's the opposite of phileo? we've got indifference and fear remaining. well, phileo, being all about brotherhood would really consist of things like sharing, sacrifice, and caring. so, maybe we look at indifference for this one. brotherly love is best summed up by john 15:13 (btw, this is a translation of phileo). so, if the greatest love is laying down a life, then it's opposite must be complete indifference.... not even caring.

agape is maybe the most difficult of all. perfect love. how do you define perfect love, and how do you identify an opposite? well, let's see. first, i'm not real sure that i am capable of perfect love, to be quite honest. i mean, i'm pretty much a moron when it comes to love. so, perfect... i seriously doubt it. ok, if i'm not capable, where does it come from and who receives it and what does it do???? first, i believe in YHWH, and the bible says that God is agape, but also that He leaves us with agapa (along with fath and hope). so, the bible also says that perfect love casts out all fear. so, apparently fear goes with this agape. i guess it makes sense, at least for now. it seems to me that fear, as agape love, is really uncontrolable. it comes from a place that not only knows the present but relies on past experiences to completely disable us, wheras agape love would be the ultimate freedom from rejection.

so, whether you buy this or not, here are my opposite pairs:

eros love - hate
phileo love - indifference
agape love - fear

**look for a post later today on the interaction between Jesus and peter. i'm making up for my absense.

here's the history of the series.

is it some sort of weird irony that an eharmony commercial came on the tube just as i started to type this?

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

return of thereeser

2005-08-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

well, i made it back. i had a great time down in college station/houston this weekend, but i am glad to be home. so, here's the lowdown.

16+ hours over 2 days... in a car with my big sis and 2 nieces.

300+ questions of "are we there yet" - said with more drama than any 3 year old should have in her

sat through 2 hours of graduation

more times hearing "whooop!" than i knew possible
one of the best commencement speaches i've ever heard... and less than 10 minutes long
saw my lil sis graduate magna cum laude (read: super smarty)

ate dinner with some family friends in houston, which was entertaining for a number of reasons

hearing the bravado of one friend that hasn't lost his hs "charm"
teaming with the other friend to make fun of the first and laughing like crazy
hearing about friend's 7-month old son
other randomness

raggae show at fitzgerald's

saw my friend play a great set with his band shark attack
saw some old raggae band, culture, play an unbelievable set
smelled more weed than a jimmy buffett concert
danced like crazy, and saw my large, rhythmically challenged friend actually dance (i use the term loosely)
met some cool people, though i'm not sure how many will remember me
played dd for the night (as usual)
hung with the strangest mix of people i've ever seen in such a small venue

went to my old church and saw some people who have had great influence on my life. most doing well, one doing better than expected.

drove from 3:30pm (central) until 6:00am (eastern).

anyone else a little tired?

thereeser

ps... i'm working on continuing my series on classifying/exploring love. i'm just too tired to finish it tonight.

time to bounce

2005-08-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

well, i'm outta here for a few days. no work!!! i'm taking my computer and may blog if i have the time and/or urge and/or connection. texas here i come.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

saturday was not just another day

2005-08-09T08:42:00.000-07:00

wow, i'm bored today! my hour of actual work is over already... i'm not sure it even took an hour. i'm really fidgety today, because i have a lot more energy than i did yesterday. not real sure why, cause i slept like crap (not well, for you smarty people who ask how crap sleeps). so, i'm trying to occupy my mind as much as possible in an attempt not to waste a day.

to take a break from the lamenting, i'll tell you about saturday. there's a gov't housing community in s. knoxville called montgomery village. a friend of mine, janine, has been doing a lot with the kids in this community over the last couple months. you can read the details of the canceled project purpose ministry over on her blog, but they have continued to do block parties, game days, and such. so, this past saturday, she and others had planned to take some of the youth (12-18) over to a local park for a cookout and games, and some of the young adults in our church, including me, volunteered to help.

that's the background, but here's a quick overview. i want to use a phrase that i first heard from a fellow blogger steve. he talked about "God is on our situation" (GIOS), so i'll do a rundown this way. i hope you don't mind, steve.

GIOS #1: at time to leave, only 7-8 kids had arrived. by the time everyone made it to the park, there were about 20!

GIOS #2: we had a good number of volunteers, but some who had committed to come never showed, and others left early (ok). but, we had just about enough to where we didn't overwhelm them and seem like baby-sitters, they didn't overwhelm us, and we were able to connect with 2 or 3 pretty easily.

GIOS #3: all of the volunteers who came, had a great attitude and open heart.

GIOS #4: there were pretty bad thunderstorms that hit throughout the city, but we were left with only a sprinkling shower.

GIOS #5: the rain came just as we finished eating, and lasted for the time that ryan was giving a testimony to the goodness of God.

GIOS #6: it seemed like we really were able to connect with some of the kids, and they had a great time! we did too!

GIOS #7: many volunteers have expressed interest to me in continuing our much-needed presence at montgomery village.

hey, i ended with 7, the Biblical number for completeness! go figure. anyway, we got smoked in touch football. got a little bit wet and ichy from the grass. ate some good burgers and dogs. just had fun and made some new friends.... josh, davon, shaun, marty, robert, rocky.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

i am a strange breed

2005-08-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

well, i started a new blog, thoughts of a fool, but i'm not sure why. maybe, i'll use it for documenting those really random ooohhh, i have this idea - type things. who knows. i may never post on it again or delete it tomorrow. just seemed right.

so, today was a strange one. i woke up in a real funk. not feeling too well, tired as can be... kind of autopiloted my way through the morning. my dad brought some tools up at lunch. so, i met him at my condo, and we went over to buddy's bbq for lunch. buddy's is one of those places that has a great looking menu, consistently serves hot food, and always leaves a little something to be desired. i had the hawgback baked potato, or whatever they call it. it wasn't bad, but just not great. maybe i just miss tx bbq a little. some good smoked bbq brisquet and fresh jalapenos. mmmm! well, i'll make it a point to get some this weekend (more later). so, after lunch, i was strikingly the same as before. lethargic... just coasting. i did absolutely nothing work-related at work today, and it really took the life out of me. not too far a ride, but still. my workload was a whopping 0, though i picked up an hours worth of work for tomorrow.

let's fastforward to about 7pm. our young adult ministry (or singles - but it's not all singles anymore) has a monthly prayer meeting. i must admit that this is probably my favorite thing that we do on a regular basis. i'm serious! problem is, i have missed the last 2, i believe. both were for legit reasons, but i missed nonetheless. well, after such a lifeless day, i really wasn't in much of a mood to pray, but i went. i had pretty much resigned myself that i'd just stay quiet, and of course i ended up opening our time of prayer... go figure. i'll tell you something, though. i'm not sure if it's because i was so worn out that "i" didn't really factor in, or what exacly, but about the time that i started, God basically took His hands and squeezed out my heart. then filled me back up! i wish this had happened this morning.

about the weekend. my lil sis is graduating from tx a&m. i am very proud of her, and really glad that she'll be up here in k-town for grad school. she has such a big heart. so, i'm travelling down there with my big sis and two little nieces for a 16-hour over 2 days car ride. that is both scary and exciting. i'd say my patience will surely be tested, but it is a great opportunity for me to talk with my sis. i'm hoping that i can have some sort of impact on her to get her back involved in a Christian community.

so, there's my story. tomorrow i'll write about my experience this past saturday. i'll get back to the love thing in a few days. i have to let it sit a little while.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

love - what is it not?

2005-08-07T20:11:00.000-07:00

well, no real great thoughs (from me) on how to classify love, so i thought that i'd take it a step at a time. sometimes, for me, it's good to start with what something is not. between this blog, and a handful of statements i've heard in passing over the last few days, i started thinking about what the opposite of love would be. i'll breakdown the two obvious candidates below.

love vs. hate
ok, so hate is really the most obvious of all choices for the opposite of love. i mean, you even have a little catch phrase about people having a "love/hate" relationship. hate is the passioniate disdain for someone/something. dictionary.com says it can be either verb or noun, but more or less with the same meaning. i would imagine it is most often used in verb form, as in "i hate ____."

love vs. indifference
maybe a little bit less obvious a choice, but still a candidate. going with dictionary.com again, they have what may be the most negative definition of any word i've ever seen - "unbiased impartial unconcern." hey, i don't make this stuff up. look, that's a three word definition, made up completely with word having a negating prefix... "un-, im-, un-" unbelievable (hahaha). again, it can be noun or verb, though the verb form is indifferent. this word can pretty much be summed up with the phrase "i don't care."

tale of the tape
so, now we look at hate OR indifference vs. love. hate really seems the obvious choice, because it is so common. i mean, there are some things that you either love or hate. on the other hand, at least with hate, you care enough to hate. with indifference, you just don't care. whatever the object in question may be, it is not worth your time to investigate.

also, part of me thinks that hate may really be misplaced/imperfect love. if i hate a person, it is usually tied to an event in which they severely devalued me or another object of my love. so, in essence, my love is... (a) placed upon an object that should never be loved (money, power, etc), and that leads me to hate anything that stands between me and the object of my affection; (b) inadequate to the point that i can not forgive a person who has hurt me, and the constant unforgiveness in my heart transforms into hatred.

*** hang on, i just had another thought while writing this. maybe there is a 3rd candidate, the least obvious of all - fear. i haven't really thought this through, but i'll take a stab at this. i'll stay consistent with dictionary.com on this, and this too is both verb and noun. fear may be the most difficult of the 3 candidates to define. i guess i'd define it as the "great desire to be removed or separated from an object of oppression or danger."

there's some biblical precedence, but in lieu of the already dissertation-length post, i'll save that for tomorrow... plus, it will help me to be more thorough and concise (hopefully).

here's the history of the series.

what is love? the quest to classify

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

strengths... what does it mean??

2005-08-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

ok, so i told you my top 5 strengths according to the gallup organization's strength finder, but what in the world does it mean? well, i'm going to assess myself, in my own weird way for you to step inside my mind. so hold on!

have you ever been in a hurry walking through the mall when it's really crowded? i'm sure you have... maybe not the mall, but somewhere similar. so, let's say you're at the mall and you need to get over to macy's because you parked ouside of this store, near the entrance with the shoes. you have 10 minutes to get to your car, because you have to be somewhere in half an hour. so, you start walking from across the mall to get back to your car, but this place is packed. you're at a near sprint, or so it feels, and people are darting from the left and right. 15 year old girls, in groups of 40 (maybe an exaggeration) stop in the middle of your way, but you don't have time to stop and share with them the finer points of mall etiquite. anyway, if you are in my mind, this is really sort of fun. you watch the old lady in front of you and time your squeeze between her and the trash can just right. you hesitate a bit as you pass puppy lovers in front of you holding hands, who with alternating steps come close and separate from each other (kind of like playing an accordian)... you watch for the gap to open up as 12 people pass each other going in 5 different directions. you predict that the guy that looks like he slept in his clothes for 4 or 5 days is headed into a&f, where they seemingly wad their goods up in as tight a ball as possible and ship them in an overpacked tractor trailers. you hold your breath as you pass the smelly bath store so as not to get a headache (this is not really relevant, but true) . sometimes, you have to improvise... you head to the other side "traffic" and weave in and out of people headed in the opposite direction. you don't want to be rude, so there are a number of excuse me's and pardon me's. every once in a while, there is a wide open area, which is a bit of a downer, because you kind of like the action. the whole time, you are watching and almost willing the others involved... which way is their head/body turned, are they more concerned with shopping or talking, are they going to point to a window display as you pass by that hand (hand to the chest, arm, face is not acceptable), what pace, what obstacles, what next???

now, imagine going through most of your life like that. some of the obstacles are self-imposed, through ideas that must be completed. others, people. others... just life. but the chaos is a little bit fun... well a lot, really. like running the gauntlet, i suppose. or sometimes like a chess player, arranging/shifting the pieces into just the right places for the ultimate adventure - grabbing the King (symbolism unintended, but welcomed).

teams are good for me. i like to bounce ideas. plus, i'm extremely flexible, so don't worry about catching me off guard. but the flexibility works both ways - sometimes you just have to run with me to see what i see. just don't make me sit around. lateral moves are sometimes necessary, if only to guard against complacency.

does that make sense?

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

ps. i wrote some other stuff earlier. so, if you saw/commented on it, sorry, but it wasn't exactly what i wanted to say.

my strengths - your thoughts

2005-08-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

hey go check this out... these are my top 5 strengths. the link below gives a full description of them.

---> clickety click

ideation
futuristic
arranger
responsibility
adaptability

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

what is love? the quest to classify

2005-08-03T20:47:00.000-07:00

tonight at my church gathering, the pastor made reference to love. he made the comment that it was usually either an action or a motive. love is a verb... ok, i get that. a motive? i don't know, maybe.

what do you think? some say love is an emotion. others say a state of being. others say it's no more than an idea or doesn't exist at all. verb (action). force of nature. feeling. motive.

sound off.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

church in my mind

2005-08-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

i took this quiz today. i'm not sure how much i buy it, though i guess it's more or less on target, but you can judge for yourself.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

-------------------------------------------------------

You scored as Herald Model. Your model of the church is Herald. The organization of the church is much less important than the urgency of announcing the Good News of salvation to all the world. The Holy Spirit moves the individual to belief in Jesus Christ and to do the will of the Father by sharing this message with others. As with other models, the narrowness of this model could be supplemented by drawing on other models.

Herald Model

89%

Mystical Communion Model

78%

Sacrament model

61%

Servant Model

45%

Institutional Model

28%

What is your model of the church? [Dulles]
created with QuizFarm.com

today's theme: flowers

2005-07-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure what it was about today, but there was a strange theme of flowers running throughout my day. i'm helping to do some landscaping at my church, and i happened to be in charge of buying them. first, i know nothing about flowers. i know roses, tulips, daisies, and that's pretty much it... oh, sunflowers, and maybe lilies. so anyway, i met emily down at the greenhouse at 8am this morning to pick out flowers. we got all of them bought (around 350 or so) and i headed to work. then, back to the church to help them unload at lunch. then back to work. then, head over to lowe's for another bush-type plant that is sitting in my trunk right now, and i still couldn't tell you the name, but my receipt says barberry. then, at supper, my roommate starts talking about flowers, roses to be exact, which sets off this hilarious conversation that lasted for 10 minutes, and continued sporadically throughout the evening. so, flowers all day, and we plant tomorrow. that i can do.

i don't really have much to say tonight. i just took some tylenol pm, so i'm killing time before it kicks in. tonight seemed like one of those nights that you are really worn out, but for some reason can't sleep... yeah, you know. well, i had one last night, so i figured i needed some rest for tomorrow. so, tylenol pm. hopefully, i won't wake up a zombie in the am.

anything new? hmmmm. not really. i am still trying to figure out the living/working situations for the fall, though a couple of things seem promising. i need to get my place ready to sell, so, i'll have to take some vacation in a couple weeks to get that wrapped up. i'm not sure i would have ever thought i'd be selling my first house (well, condo) by the age of 26. i don't really know what i expected from my life, but i can't imagine this being part of it. funny thing that life.

hey, for all you that stop by my blog, what in your life (let's stay with the positive) has happened that you never really expected?

it's starting to kick in. later.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

there's something that boggles my mind

2005-07-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

well, really a lot of things, but one i've been thinking about lately. it boggles my mind that every one doesn't think like i do. haha that sounds really self-absorbed, but i'm not talking about everyone coming to the same conclusions or thinking about the same things. i'm talking about pattern and thought process. i think it's funny when someone says, well, that's really "thinking outside the box." ok, i guess, but i'm just thinking the only way i know how. or they say, you really aren't thinking about this the right way. again, just thinking the only way i know how. maybe there are a lot of problems in this world caused by people who don't take the time to sit down and tell another their thought process. maybe, they just assume that everyone goes through the same process of thought that they do, so if they are not getting the reasoning, then they are just stupid... or they offer some sort of punishment to those who do not think the same way. maybe, if we sit down and say, here's how i think about it. this is the flow of traffic in my mind - the way i connect the dots - maybe, some real serious conflict can be avoided. who knows... just thinking out loud. anyway, it just amazes me that if you ask 10 different people the same question, you can get the same answer and 10 different ways of getting to the solution.

on another topic: if anyone knows of a par-time/very flexible full-time job that will allow me to intern at my church, take distance courses for seminary, take off 4 weeks a year, and pays fairly well (med. benefits would be nice)... please let me know! i've applied with ups, but they don't have any open interviews right now, so i'm not sure about the possibilities.

well, it's time for bed. i've been beat for the last few days, with working so much and staying busy elsewhere. i hope everyone is having a fantastic week... a blessed one.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

comments from cyberspace

2005-07-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

ok, so yesterday (i think), an anonymous lurker commented on one of my posts, and then i saw here face... he/she raised an interesting point about the value of a person in an illustration or, as it was termed, a concept. now, i could dismiss it as a crazy random passer-by, which i get from time to time with my allowance of anonymous commenting, but maybe there is something to learn from this comment. so, instead of commenting on that specific post, i thought i'd make it more for open discussion, or criticism if it is warranted.

i'm not going to get into the psychological part of this, much, because i doubt the guest actually knows me. therefore, it would be just as easy for me to make a similar assumption of their projecting some feeling on me. i'm not sure exactly what "tabla rasa" means but i'll guess it has something to do with projecting upon another. if it were a friend commenting, i would take more stock, because they see me on a regular basis, know my behavior, and actually care for me enough to make me aware of some peculiarities in my actions. i will say this, though... there have been times in my life when i have felt as a perceived this young lady (in the car) to feel, but that does not happen to encompass my current state of being. i'm no psychologist, so i'll let that be.

however, there is another assertion that by speaking of this young lady, i am devaluing her as a person. in some circumstances, i would tend to agree with our guest. if i were using her life as something for my own gain, then yes, you would be absolutely correct. if i were shamelessly taking tragedy and turning it into "a learning experience"... agreed. i'd say that this sort of thing happens far too often - i'll even say, especially in churches (disclaimer: i say this as both a participator and lover of church, so take it as you will). back to topic, though, the big question here is motive, wouldn't you agree?

so, since i have the inside track on my motives here, i'll lay it out. first, i don't go around looking for things in other lives, just so i can make a point. i'd much rather speak from personal experience than that of another, mainly because it's only in my own experience that i have all the facts and i can shamelessly take from my own experience because it is mine. this girl just happened to be sitting two lanes over from me on a friday afternoon, which by the way, would be the last day of the week i'd choose to lay out some life lesson. second, i'm even going to argue that i brought value to her existence and presence in that car on that friday afternoon. wha? i'll be the first to say that there is no way that i can know for sure what sort of things are going on in her life. she very well could have been thinking of the holocaust or a steak sammy. but even if she were, i am bringing to light something that is far to prevalent in our society... terrible hopelessness. i'm not talking about living alone or without a husband/wife, though they can all be contributing factors. i'm talking about the despair and loneliness that persist when a soul has no hope. no hope in the present and little hope of a future. the main thought running through my mind was not thankfulness or pity, but hurt. it made me hurt for her... for all those that don't have no hope.... for all that don't have/know the Hope that i know. Jesus!

like all good arguements, i'll leave this with a question... does a picture of a mother nursing her child amidst the rubble of war or of a little child of skin and bones or of a worn fireman with burn bandages around his hands or two knoxville sisters in hospital beds at duke medical center devalue them as people because of what their pictures represent?

expanding my sphere....

thereeser

ps.. to the guest commenter: thank you for the reminder to see people for who they are. that is a timeless lesson!

hey hey hey

2005-07-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

whad'a ya say?

well, sunday is not a typical blogging day for me, but it's also not a typical working day either... yet, i find myself doing both.

i went down to my parents place last night. you know, it's nice having them only an hour away. i can go hang out for one night, get up early and still make it back for church. not too shabby. anyway, my parents were hosting a wedding shower/cookout for a friend of the family. actually, it was for the younger brother of my best friend from childhood. i have known joseph since before i can remember (mom says we often shared a crib), and michael since he was born, i'm sure. michael is about 3 years younger than me, so it's a little ~~depressing~~ wierd that he's getting married next month, but hey nothing unusual.

joseph and his wife came, with their youngest in tow. it's wild seeing your 26 yr old friend, who you remember teaching to tie his shoe, with a baby... much less with the youngest child of 3 with him. yes, 3! his newest addition, sophie grace is a beautiful little girl, though i would like to have seen the others as well. anyway, it was good to talk with him and.... ok, get this. my parents hosted a similar thing for another family friend last month sometime. so, as joseph and his wife and parents are leaving, they are saying that this cookout thing is becoming a monthly ritual, and someone else is going to have to get engaged - at this point they all turn their eyes toward me. i throw my hands up and start to back away, but i'm against a wall. nowhere to turn... so i say, hey now, what's with all the eyes in my direction? one of my mom's friends says that "maybe we'll do this for me several years down the road." several? what do you mean several? come on, i hope it's not several! so, just at this point, joseph comes to my rescue "boy, it's been a hot day, huh?" some things never change.

it's always neat to catch up with joseph, because we don't really bother with all the pleasantries, we just talk... it's strange to me, because i don't have any brothers, but my guess is that it's pretty much the same way with close brothers. well, at least i hope it is for all you out there with brothers.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

i'm in

2005-07-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

well, i got the letter of acceptance from bethel seminary. i figured i'd fill in my loyal reader(s)... hahaha.... i bout fell out of my chair. anyway, i feel a little like i did when i closed on my condo... like i suckered someone. sort of like "you let me in? for a master's degree? ha! good luck with that." i would imagine this is not a terribly common reaction, but i'm probably not a terribly common person... so it fits, i guess.

so, now i just have to find a job, a place to live (if i sell my place), find some affordable health insurance, and that sort of easy stuff. should be a lot of fun!

have a great day.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

arriving

2005-07-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

imagine if you will....

It’s a hot day, almost too hot to be outside. So, instead of staying in, you’ve headed out to the World's Fair Park with 5,000 of your closest friends. Well, they haven’t all arrived, yet, but they will soon enough if they want to see the 4th of July fireworks display. You’re early, so you really in no particular hurry. Plus, your perpetually late friend is not there yet, of course.

There’s not a whole lot of action, yet, but a pack of cars park just a few yards from you. Nothing really out of the ordinary, but you’ve got time so you watch. A group of 15 or so begin piling out of the 5 or 6 cars. This group looks a little different than your average Knoxvillian. They look like they’d be more comfortable down in the Caribbean than in the foothills of the Smokies. Mostly in their 20’s, but with a real strange mix of age and appearance. There are a couple of really dark-skinned guys… I mean real dark. Similar in build and even in their movements, they may be brothers – one with a short cut of tight curls that holds the same length all over his head, the other sporting dreds down past his shoulders. A young guy folds out of the back seat. He can’t be more than 18, and I'm not sure I'd give him that. Lanky and a bit ackward, he gets quickly put in a headlock by a friend… er older brother… er uncle… hard to say. This guy’s probably mid-late 30’s… maybe a bit older. He’s real animated… I mean arms flailing, raising his voice… and obviously married (you catch the light reflect off his ring every time he does his breaststroke motion or whatever it is). He’s going to town, ribbing the other guys until another, about the same age really catches him with a witty remark… shuts him up pretty good. There are a couple of middle aged country-club looking guys, an older man, maybe 55-60, with stark white hair and wire-rimmed glasses. All of them real tanned from the sun… almost with that leathery sort of look. A lot of goatees, a handful of piercings. A real interesting bunch. There are others, including a number of ladies of all ages, but these guys seem to be the core of the whole group.

Then there’s one, who’s sort of in the middle of everything, but he seems real quiet. He wears a beard that he’s obviously had for some time. Sort of curly hair that hits somewhere between his ears and shoulders. I wouldn’t say he’s a terribly handsome man (though I’d probably never admit it if I thought he were), but he’s not repulsive. He’s fairly young, though surely old enough to have a family, but from the looks of it, this is his family. He’s wearing long loose jeans and sandals, and his black Reebok shirt has a big 3 on the front (with the swoosh of course) and says “The Answer” on the back. It’s funny… the more you watch them, you see how the group dynamics play out. Every joke that’s cracked, every wisdom poured out, though not always directed his way, seem to be said in attempt to meet his approval. His laugh brings a roar of laughter from the others… his nod makes everyone pay attention. And every once in a while he says something… and it’s like the whole earth stops moving for them. They stop wrestling or laughing or throwing Frisbee and they listen. As you're waiting, a few more people come and join their group. They seem to have been waiting for some of them, but others just seem to join in as if they belonged there the whole time… whatever the case, all are friends.

Ladies and Gentlemen: that is the picture of Jesus arrival. Granted there weren’t cars or Frisbees or Allen Iverson shirts back in Jesus’ day, but that’s about what it would have looked like. And if you think that’s a wild bunch, just wait until Pentecost.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

ssssshhhhhhhh...........

2005-07-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

...He's speaking.

expanding my sphere

thereeser

life is... ever changing

2005-07-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

well, i've been in a bit of a daze for a little while, walking around sort of numb to what's been happening. looking but not seeing... hearing, but not listening... aware, but not engaged. that's over!

for I am about to do a brand-new thing. see, I have already begun! do you not see it? I will make a pathway in the wilderness for my people to come home. I will create rivers for them in the desert! - isaiah 43:19

i can't get this out of my head - for nearly 2 weeks... but what does it mean?

well, i don't really know, but... i do know that it's not just about my life, but how God can spill out of my life into others. a couple of conversations. possible opportunities.

by the way, i'll try to be more consistent on here. stay tuned.

expanding my sphere...

thereeser

and then i saw her face... now i'm a believer

2005-07-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

this is an odd time for me to post, i know... but something just sort of stopped me in my tracks on my way home from work.

i pulled up to a red light and looked to my left. i tend to look around when i'm stopped like that, just scanning the area. i looked over to see a 20 year old, primer grey buick two lanes to my left. two hispanic guys occupied the front seats, though i couldn't see their faces because their buick was just far enough ahead of me that i could only see them from an angle.

as i start to scan my eyes away, i caugt a glimpse of a young lady (probably no more than 20) in the back seat, looking straight at me. her window was half down, though probably as far down as it goes, and she sat there looking - no staring - directly at me. it wasn't her looks that sttopped me, but the look on her face... the look in her eyes. one strand of dark hair lay across the inside of her right eye, while the rest was pulled back in a pony tail. she didn't seem to notice, though. in fact, she probably didn't notice me or anything else around. her stare was empty, as if she was looking but wasn't seeing. her face was very... i hate to say this... sad, and her eyes told a story that i didn't want to hear. she was in prison in the back seat of that car. i'm not saying she was in danger - at least not imminent. but my guess is that she is in desparate danger of no longer living. she was in prison in the back of the buick.

mind you, i don't know anything about this girl. i might not even recognize her again, but i won't forget the look on her face anytime soon. to tell you the truth, it made me want to cry for her (i'm not going to lie... i didn't actually cry), and for all that are so lonely they are numb. they look for something that they can't see.

now, i'm not some crazy stalker or anything... all this happened within a matter of a few seconds. that was all the time needed.

expand your sphere

thereeser

lesson in humility

2005-06-29T12:17:00.000-07:00

i ran across this little vignette, recently, where Jesus teaches his disciples a quick lesson on humility. i've read it before, but it really just stuck out to me this time. in luke 17:7-10, jesus tells of a servant who comes in from the field, only to be commanded to serve his master dinner before he eats his own. Jesus asks whether the servant deserves gratitude for performing such a service, and answers that, in fact, the servant does not. like the servant, a disciple does not deserve gratitude, because they are only carrying out the commands of the Master. we are nothing but "unworthy servants."

oddly enough, this has come up in 2 or 3 conversations in the last couple days. it's a good reminder to me, and something of a relief. at times in my life, i have performed some duty, and others have complimented me on "my performance." i have to be honest, i have never know a good thing to say in response, but have been uncomfortable receiving praise. don't take this as boastful or some false-humility. now, i have a way to respond... i was only doing my duty.

follow the light.

thereeser

life happens

2005-06-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

you know, i find myself unable to do a lot of blogging. some of it is schedule, some lack of thought, but mostly just life. there's a lot going on with me that i have difficulty in sorting through in coherent sentences. i've got 4 or 5 things going on right now that should all demand my primary attention... or better said: they would capture my primary focus if it weren't for all the others. i'm at this weird intersection where my present and future meet, and it seems that every decision or move i make has major implications and impact on the rest of my life... actually, it doesn't just seem that way, these decisions determine big areas of my life. what's really frustrating is that, in large part, these are out of my control. so, i wait.

i am aware that i'm speaking very vague, but i really have to right now. until i know more, or details are worked out, or whatever, i must have patience - which, God has graciously granted me.

i'm not sure if you saw/heard about the little spat between tom cruise and matt lauer last week - i read the transcript. in discussing scientology, lauer questioned cruise on some comments he's made and beliefs he holds on psychiatry. namely, he (cruise) and the scientologists believe that psychiatry are a pseudo-science. anyway, cruise on a couple of occasions made remarks to lauer that "you [lauer] don't know the history of psychiatry, i do." cruise would go on to say that he's read these research papers on some prescription drugs, which lauer contends have helped people that he knows, and that they just mask or numb the problem. while i will concede that there are way too many people looking for a chemical solution to an emotional/psychological problem, my problem with the whole arguement is this: cruise makes these claims without ever really backing them up... which i'll blame on lauer for not probing - he really dropped the ball on this. he claims he's done the research and knows the history, but really offered no substance or evidence that in fact he has such knowledge. it is just hard for me to take his word on this, when his main arguement starts with calling lauer glib.

as i write this, i realize how unfortunate it is that many christians come across in similar fashion. when they are challenged on what they believe, they often don't really know what they believe, so they spew rhetoric and often resort to name-calling.

still waiting...

thereeser

wow!

2005-06-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

i had a remarkably good day yesterday. unusually good, to be honest. here's a quick rundown.

had a little tightness/soreness from wednesday's workout (i like to feel like i've accomplished something)
was productive at work
had a very good lunch meeting. i was very nervous about this meeting, because i didn't know how well the things i had to say would be taken.
my big sis, bro-in-law, and nieces came over to swim at my condo. we ordered some pizza and watched part of the phantom menace. for some reason, my nieces (3 and 5) really like episode 1.
talked to my lil sis, who is going to hook me up with one of her profs. he's a strategic planner for many business/gov't/civic groups, and said he'd be willing to let me pick his brain a little. hey, if nothing else, i can network a little.

so, that was my day, plus a couple of funny conversations on the phone. well, i better get back to work. ahhh! at least i have some stuff to do.

thereeser

Jesus works out at bally's total fitness... hopefully

2005-06-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

ok, so i decided to go to the gym tonight for the first time in... well, i'm embarrased to even guess. anyway, i head up to the treadmill and decide to grab one near the tv's. i'm stretching a little and making sure my shoes are tied tightly, while listening to the tv tell me another story about tom cruise and katie holmes. specifically, they are talking about scientology. so, here i am, bent over, trying to pull my socks tight, when someone makes a strange comment to me.

you know, the guy who started that religion did it on a bet?

what's that?

the guy who started scientology, did it on a bet. a friend of his made him a bet that he couldn't start a religion, so he came up with it on the back of a napkin.

really... what's his name... hubbard?

yeah, l. ron hubbard.

what a sham! - i probably should have had more tact, but hey, it just came out.

so, we continued on with him revealing that "all religions are man-made" and that some would probably call his religion a cult (or something like that). turns out the guy is a universalist/unitarian. apparently, they are not exactly the same thing, but instead the convergence of two religions. universalist believing that nothing really matters because we all go to heaven, and unitarians believing that it doesn't really matter what you believe just because it doesn't matter. they are different, but basically believe nothing, or something... i don't know.

anywhoo.... i went on to tell him that i'm not really sure if i'm a religious person, but instead a follower of Jesus. he nodded as to say he also considered himself the same (maybe). after his concern over people saying "i'm going to hell and you aren't", i responded that you know, i really struggle with hearing that, too. so, i guess i have hope that i'm going to heaven, and i hope that you or anyone else is also, and if you or anyone want's to know why i have hope, i would love to share. in the end, though, it's not really my judgement that matters anyway.

i should also mention that i was running during most of this conversation, so i was talking very loud, and a number of other people were within earshot. there were some other things said, but i can't remember it all. all i could do was pray that the Spirit would speak through me in some way.... and i wouldn't say anything stupid. so, now, i'll open myself up to criticism (constructive, hopefully). did i say anything stupid? i'll be honest, i do not get/take too many opportunities to share with people in this way. i'm not overly outgoing - not just to strike up a conversation - but i've really been praying for opportunities.

thereeser

preaching to the choir

2005-06-21T07:25:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking about something for the last few days. i want to see if this is something that is unique to me, or if this is common and others pick up on it in their lives.

imagine you have had conversations with someone, maybe a boss or friend, and you don't agree on a particular point. it's not a battle or a point of feud, but just a simple disagreement (opinions not facts). does it ever happen that one/both of you sneak their arguement into conversations or meetings with larger groups in such a way that it can not be refuted or argued. often, it is somewhat out of context, but it is evident that you/they are making their point.

this has happened to me a couple times over the last few weeks. i've done this here at times, though most of the people that i would have disagreements with do not read this blog. but, there have been times that i have done this in a person's presence, as well. one thing i've found about this is that often the person stating their side in public will do it in an out of context way that may even be a stretch. my question is this: what is the attraction to doing this? is it to try to convince others of your side, without directly bringing the topic to light? is it a safe way to get the last word? i don't know.

i know, personally, that at times i have done it unintentionally. it just happened that the subject of disagreement was pertinent to another discussion, and it just came out. however, i've also woven it into conversations in which it was unwarranted. i know a couple of people that do this regularly. you can always tell when it's coming, too. they give you this ackward look, and then look away while making the point. following all that is the quick eye-shift to make sure you heard it.

whatever. i might get in another post today, so stay tuned.

thereeser

top of the world

2005-06-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

well, i made it back. just thought you'd all like to see some photos, so here's my slideshow.

enjoy!

thereeser

stuck in baltimore

2005-06-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

well, i'm delayed for 24 hours. oh well, free day in baltimore. too bad we've got a ton of luggage and no car.

please comment on tuesday's blog. i want some opinions.

thereeser

church... huh... what is it good for? - part 1

2005-05-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

catch your attention? good.

i think over the next few posts, which may be a week or more apart, i want to blow this blog up. i know that there a number of friends lookin on, lurkers (people who look but never "speak"), and also a number of people who i've never met, but sort of know through reading and being read. so, here's the deal... i'm going to start a series on the church, and i want some discussion.

unfortunately, i may have to table it for 10 days or so, after this initial one. i leave tomorrow for greenland. pray for revival at thule air base... i am. by the way, i don't have time right now, but i'll post my answer/thoughts in the comments later this evening.

part 1

what is church to you? what does it include and/or not include?

thereeser

i made a promise...

2005-05-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

and i'm going to honor it. i find myself, over the last few days, in an odd predicament. a couple of years ago, i made a specific promise to God. it wasn't one of those bartering type promises, but instead an honest attempt to offer something to Him, though i'm reminded of david (i believe) acknowledging that we only offer Him what He has already given us. Anyway, some people do not exactly understand my motivation or maybe my rationalization for fulfilling said promise, mainly because i do not feel it warranted to divulge the details. it is a personal thing between my Savior and me, and i think it best to leave it that way. it really doesn't affect them, so i'm not terribly bothered by their lack of understanding, but it raises an interesting question. at what point does my personal relationship with God become also my public one? i'm not talking about authenticity or anything... more on the point of publicly sharing something in your personal life in order to explain your public life. aahh, i'll just bank this one and there will probably be some time down the road when this will serve as a great personal example to share with someone.

on another note, some friends and i unknowingly stumbled into something that could prove to be very important in the near future. i love it when that happens, though, i don't know that i've ever recognized it this early. maybe i wasn't looking hard enough.

memorial day is monday. remember those that have fought and died for your freedom, and remember to thank the One that fought and died and rose for your eternal freedom.

thereeser

i'm a sell out!

2005-05-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

you heard it here first... i'm selling out. i have officially decided to become a sell out to the home ownership clan. haha, not what you were expecting me to say? what did you think i was referring to? wait... don't answer that. at least not here. anyway, with seminary pending and the thought of a part-time job, it seems as though this is the best option, financially speaking. what will i do? with whom and where will i live? don't know, but it won't be in my condo.

is there such a thing as service without sacrifice?

so, i haven't been blogging as much lately. partly, i'm just busier than in previous months, but i have also been less focused, generally speaking. my mind has been all over the place lately. i think it's time that i get back on track. i think part of this has been my schedule. i'm going to have to pare it down a bit... which means i may have to give up some "good" things and some that i enjoy. decisions, decisions.

this may be counter-productive to the above statement, but i'm attempting to read 3 books right now - the first three in the printing press on the right side of the page. the third book, how to think like einstein is really an interesting read. it gives some steps to not just "thinking outside the box," but to "thinking outside the rules." i may try to put some of these steps into practice tonight... we'll see. here's a good enabling question.

if i were living a truly Christ-centered life, what would that look like?

thereeser

out of the darkness comes a new day

2005-05-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

things are starting to make a little more sense to me. it seems like certain things are falling into place... and fitting "just in time." shouldn't surprise me, when i look back at previous experiences.

you know, i was thinking the other day about sunrises and sunsets. have you noticed how remarkable different events they are, even in visual terms... except for those few precious moments where only the events of the day or the anticipation of what is to come set the sights apart. moments so close (if only for a short time) in appearance, but so different in feel. there has to be a greatly profound illustration in there somewhere, but i haven't connected this idea to anything... yet.

oh, so i turned 26 yesterday. yep, i'm now in my "mid to late twenties." doesn't really feel any different, though i've never been much for b-days, so no surprise there. my parents and lil sis came up to k-town and, along with my big sis and fam, took me to lunch after worshiping with my church. we had a good time, as usual, and i found out tara will be coming back to k-town for grad school next year. she made the big announcement at lunch. very cool!

well, that's about all the time i have to procrastinate. it's lunch time and i have to get an allergy shot today.

later folks. look for some more changes to the appearance of the blog over the next few days.

UNITE

thereeser

like the new look?

2005-05-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

i thought the other was a little bit boring... or something (so i went with the simplest possible). maybe it was just bland. i'm looking for a cool photo to put in my title block, but that may take a while. i don't have a whole lot of skills when it comes to photo editing. not so much that i'm disinterested, but i just haven't taken the time to learn. anyway, that's pretty much all. it's too late to get into anything real good.

UNITE!

thereeser

best laid plans

2005-05-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

well, i was about to post something, but i need sleep.

sometimes, there's an electricity in the air that seems to charge my every move.

thereeser

a call to arms

2005-05-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

i copied the following from an email i sent to some people, so there is actually some capital letters - go figure. anyway, i thought it was worth sharing here.

There is a common metaphor used in churches... war. In general, I'm not opposed to the "war cries," though we do need be careful when using it to make sure everyone is aware of who/what we're fighting. There's another reason, though, that I don't necessarily like it, and until last night, I had trouble putting my finger on it. It's a bit of a roundabout way of explaining it, but it's the best way I know. Disclaimer: If there are any war buffs that read this, and my numbers are off a bit (they aren't overexaggerated for sure, but may not be perfect), I am doing much of this from memory of something I studied nearly 6 years ago. The numbers should be pretty close, though.

In 1916, during WW1, one of the great military and human tragedies was experienced at the Battle of the somme . I actually visited the area, in eastern France, while on study abroad in college. If my memory serves me correctly, it was the bloodiest battle in the history of the world. Allied (mostly British and French) casualties numbered over 600,000, and the Germans lost nearly 500,000 in a battle that lasted about 6 months. The worst of it, though, occurred on the first day of the battle.

The British were well-known for their regimented training, and their highly-disciplined armies. They were well schooled in the formal art of war, generally consisting of marching lines and cavalry. Going into WW1, they were trying to recruit a larger army, and despite some differences, the Irish and Scottish men volunteered by the thousands. There was not a lot of time for training, and the Brits generally viewed the Irish and Scotsmen as undisciplined. So, they trained them primarily without weapons and taught them to march lines in a very orderly fashion. Similar training, though more extensive, was pretty standard for the British recruits, as well.

So, in June on 1916, the French and British decided to wage an offensive attack on the Germans. The battle began on July 1 with the detonation of a series of mines. The Allied troops attacked right at the heart of the Germans. They sent the Irish and Scots (now armed) among the first wave, along with countless of their own troops. This was a battle that stretched over a number of miles that included German strongholds along the way. So, the first wave went in just as they were trained, even the "undisciplined" ones. I read a couple accounts of how amazed the British officers were at the discipline the Irish and Scotsmen showed. Then a second wave was sent, and so on. The Allies – well the British – then sent in a large scale cavalry charge. There was one problem, though. They were charging against high caliber German machine guns.

In doing research for a paper on this subject, I found a diary account of one of these German gunners on the internet. He said that they (the German guns) were spaced a certain distance apart and were trained to shoot in a 25-degree pattern, with stoppers on each side of the gun to help you limit. In his account, he said that when he saw the men marching toward him and heard the order to open fire, that he couldn't hardly bear it. He closed his eyes and started to fire. It was a massacre. One of the greatest and most costly military blunders in history. As you can imagine, the cavalry fared no better.

The Allied casualties numbered around 100,000 and the Germans about 20,000 on the first day, alone.

Here's the thing. The Allies were prepared to fight and had the numbers and the will to do it. But, they were not prepared for what war had become. They were fighting a 20th Century war with 19th Century tactics. Their technology was not terribly out of date. They had mortars and machine guns and such, but they did not have any sort of strategy to use them, and more to the point, they didn't have the strategy to attack such technology.

So, this is sort of the problem I have with the war metaphor, though it extends further that that. If we are going to issue "A Call to Arms," I'm for it if we: 1) realize and convey that we are fighting Satan, the deceiver, not the unbeliever (not-yet believer) or even the opponent to Christianity and 2) we make sure that the "face of war" has not passed us by, and 3) we are employing the BEST strategies to fight this new warfare.

REVOLUTION

thereeser

update: i wanted to include that in war, you have to get "ahead of the game" in terms of technology, strategy, etc. it's not enough to be up-to-date. if that is your highest goal (up-to-date), then you will be passed/defeated by the one who developed the current and is operating in your future.

transparency

2005-05-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

people - especially church people - talk about the concept of transparency a lot. over the last few years, especially, with a backlash against "church" that takes the form of peity, condesension, lagalism, politicism, and such, transparency has been a particularly hot issue. truthfully, it should be at the core of what a church really is, but unfortunately, this is not the case. what is transparency, though? and why is it so hard?

well, here's the deal. we've become so legalistic and pious that whenever someone is actually transparent about something, we criticize or offer a condescending fix for their "problem." so, instead of being transparent, we generalize and internalize everything. here's a good example.

as part of a singles ministry, it's amazing that the difficulties of being single are unspoken, maybe even taboo. wha? you don't believe me?

normally, i might be considered transparent saying, "you know, it's really difficult sometimes being single. it's hard to meet girls/ladies/women (i'm not real sure what the right term is anymore)." actually, though, this is safe language. everyone might look at me and identify, and lament a little.

me being transparent (and i'm sweating just typing this) would actually be, "you know, it really sucks seeing so many people 4 and 5 years younger than me getting married. i actually resent going to some of their weddings. i sometimes feel like there is a big target on my head saying 'single', but actually reads 'loser' to married folk. and to boot, there is the occasional resentment of non-followers of Christ, who really don't have to be as picky as i do. this all leads to the blame game that i've got going on in my head where i call myself shallow for not being attracted to some females (again unsure of correct term), or unrealistic in my expectations. truth is, i know that some of this is untrue, but it goes on up in my head."

now, see, with the second one, i run a much bigger risk of criticism, and will probably get some over this post. oh well, i'm sick of the whole sugar-coating or masking of what's really going on, though i realize that even this is a bit of a safe topic. bad habits die hard.

bring it on.

thereeser

jumbled thoughts

2005-05-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

i've got all these weird random thoughts floating around in my head. i thought i'd put some down here, but it would just be a bunch of one sentence thoughts. so, better sense won out and now i have nothing to talk about.

i saw india.arie on tavis smiley tonight. actually, i saw her on another talk show last week, performing her new song purify me from the movie "diary of a mad black woman." it's really an interesting song. she references 2 kings 5, when the commander of the syrian army, naaman, comes to elisha for healing from leprocy. elisha tells him to go wash in the jordan river 7 times. click the link and read for yourself. here are the lyrics:

Easy like Sunday mornin
like an angel callin
he takin me all in
and i'm embrassin him with my skin
Like a glimmer of life
like a vision of light
and he's so perfect i couldn't picture him if i tried

see some may come
some may go
but i'll follow you wherever you the perfect mate for my soul
and i know i loose control whenever i'm around you cause you given me

Your hand
and that's more than enough
your glance
is like jumpin in the river of
Jordan
purify me baby

It's summertime always
like it's sunny out all day
whenever you smile
sweeter than momma's homemade
and i thought every man was made the same
but a world of smoke and ashes boy your are milk and honey

see some may come
some may go
but fill me up with your love
you're nourishment to my soul
and i know i loose control
whenever i'm around you
cuz you given me

nice song. great story.

could you imagine being naaman? imagine colin powell being striken with aids, and going to billy graham for healing at the big nyc crusad. billy just sort of sits there and says, "colin, why don't you walk over there and jump in the hudson 7 times." naaman probably felt insulted, but what did he expect... what do we expect? wouldn't he have paid all his money? wouldn't he have done any grand thing that elisha asked of him? but, go and baptise himself in the river? come on, that's insulting... and exactly the point. that's what God does to us daily. sure, i'll die for Him, i'll quit my job, i'll do all sorts of things... but will i give a dollar to the homeless guy, will i hold the door for some seniors, will i take an opportunity to tell my coworker why i have hope? that's waht james was talking about in when he said "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

time for bed.

bounce.

thereeser

revelations

2005-05-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

no, this is not about the book in the bible. God revealed something very important to me today that affects my daily life. commercials for female products (especially the ones with diaper-like demonstrations) and male function pills (you know) serve a vital purpose in my life... they make me want to turn the tv off. they severely limit my tv watching desire, which has dropped dramatically over the last year, and gives me more time to be productive.

at lunch today, i saw a really oxymoronic commercial for shoney's restaurants. a couple, with two young children, was sitting around a table eating. the parents were talking to the camera about having an affordable healthy meal that the whole family could enjoy. the wife said that they could find this at the shoney's buffet (she even pronounced it boo-fay). then, comes the money shot... the narrator begins speaking of the shoney's buffet, while a shot of nothing but fried foods fills the tv screen. mmmm.... healthy. oh, plus some nice buttermilk biscuits at the front of the line. let me tell you, when i want some healthy food, i'm going to be sure to run out and grab some fried chicken and fried shrimp and fried okra and country-fried steak and french fries and a biscuit. maybe, the buffet also comes with your very own defibrillator and a 50% off coupon and reservation for an angioplasty.

i know i'm railing on commercials, but really there's a lot to be learned from advertising. the good commercials (alcohol and such), the ones well researched, are as good an indicator of what society desires as anything you will find. really, they do a ton of research to figure out what attracts the customer, and most of them are targeting 18-40 year olds. i watch these things sometimes with a careful eye, and can sometimes even pick up on two companies using a common agency. what's really interesting is when it is two very dissimilar products, but they use the same message to sell.

what else... oh, i had my first allergy shots today. yeah, i about passed out. no, i'm serious. i got all light-headed and had to lay down. the doctor came in and said, "well, i really don't have any idea why this would happen, so i'm not going to try and guess." i like this guy, at least he tells me straight answers. then, they had to check the places on my arm where i got the shots to make sure my reaction was not too much. so, i'm laying on the little bench with no shirt in a 60° room. even when i left, the nurse said, "you still look a little pale." "no kidding. i've broken out in a cold sweat while in a sub-zero meat locker. so, my body is naturally cooling itself in the middle of the arctic. yeah, i'm a little surprised i'm pale, b/c i would have expected to be blue by now!" ok, so i really didn't say that, but i was thinking it.

things looking up!

thereeser

sometimes i can't think

2005-05-04T07:53:00.000-07:00

my brain is just not working much lately. i've been so bogged down in the monotony of my job, that when i really want to turn on some critical/creative thought, there's just nothing. my work right now is really that mind-numbing.

something has been puzzling me for the last couple of days. i had a conversation with someone who asked me, "in your mind, is the vision for xxxx dead? or do you really care?" now, it's not the question or the inquisitor that perplexed me, it's the whole situation. first, visions don't die, unless you let them. in my experience, that takes more time than actually seeing the vision fulfilled. it will eat at you, and gnaw at you for years, if left to rot. second, it is strange that i was asked, given my lack of authority to implement it, and the lack of... well, i could go on for a long time here.

two questions...

1) i know this is possible, but how do you really lead upward? i know that, at times, it is necessary for someone to lead their leaders, but what is an effective way of doing so? especially when...

2) how do i overcome the perception of my age? i'm 25 (26 in a few)... how do i overcome this, when i'm seen as a "future leader", at best? yes, i read 1 timothy last night... not a great deal of help, but i'll read it again.

answers?.... suggestions?

thereeser

strengths finder

2005-05-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

	Ideation

You are fascinated by ideas. What is an idea? An idea is a concept, the best explanation of the most events. You are delighted when you discover beneath the complex surface an elegantly simple concept to explain why things are the way they are. An idea is a connection. Yours is the kind of mind that is always looking for connections, and so you are intrigued when seemingly disparate phenomena can be linked by an obscure connection. An idea is a new perspective on familiar challenges. You revel in taking the world we all know and turning it around so we can view it from a strange but strangely enlightening angle. You love all these ideas because they are profound, because they are novel, because they are clarifying, because they are contrary, because they are bizarre. For all these reasons you derive a jolt of energy whenever a new idea occurs to you. Others may label you creative or original or conceptual or even smart. Perhaps you are all of these. Who can be sure? What you are sure of is that ideas are thrilling. And on most days this is enough.

	Futuristic

"Wouldn't it be great if . . ." You are the kind of person who loves to peer over the horizon. The future fascinates you. As if it were projected on the wall, you see in detail what the future might hold, and this detailed picture keeps pulling you forward, into tomorrow. While the exact content of the picture will depend on your other strengths and interests-a better product, a better team, a better life, or a better world-it will always be inspirational to you. You are a dreamer who sees visions of what could be and who cherishes those visions. When the present proves too frustrating and the people around you too pragmatic, you conjure up your visions of the future and they energize you. They can energize others, too. In fact, very often people look to you to describe your visions of the future. They want a picture that can raise their sights and thereby their spirits. You can paint it for them. Practice. Choose your words carefully. Make the picture as vivid as possible. People will want to latch on to the hope you bring.

	Arranger

You are a conductor. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. In your mind there is nothing special about what you are doing. You are simply trying to figure out the best way to get things done. But others, lacking this theme, will be in awe of your ability. "How can you keep so many things in your head at once?" they will ask. "How can you stay so flexible, so willing to shelve well-laid plans in favor of some brand-new configuration that has just occurred to you?" But you cannot imagine behaving in any other way. You are a shining example of effective flexibility, whether you are changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, you are always looking for the perfect configuration. Of course, you are at your best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, some complain that plans devised with such care cannot be changed, while others take refuge in the existing rules or procedures. You don't do either. Instead, you jump into the confusion, devising new options, hunting for new paths of least resistance, and figuring out new partnerships-because, after all, there might just be a better way.

	Responsibility

Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help-and they soon will-you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.

	Adaptability

You live in the moment. You don't see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn't mean that you don't have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don't resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.

been a while

2005-04-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

sorry for the lack of posting. i've had one crazy week. i made it back from chicago ok, but walked into a busy weekend. concert on friday night, and chili's after it started raining... met miss tennessee at chili's & gave her my phone number (long story - kind of a joke). church workday on sat, along with meeting family for dinner. played some pool after dinner with friends. church on sunday, plus lunch, church again, and choir practice.

special congrats to my friend joseph (third down), who was ordained as a minister last night. joseph is my oldest friend - i've known him pretty much since birth - and i was glad i got to attend the service last night. he doesn't read this, to my knowledge, but congrats nonetheless.

let's see, do i have any words of wisdom? one thing i've heard/read in multiple settings over the last couple days. the sr. pastor at joseph's church said a few words last night, and spoke of 2 timothy 4:1-2, specifically, "be ready in season and out of season." at no time can you be unaware, but at all times you must be prepared. never let go, never hold back... but i think also it is also a reminder of the "seasons" in our lives and others. though we must be prepared, we also must be prepared for the other person's season and speak accordingly.

unite!

thereeser

still in chicago

2005-04-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

well, i'm here until tomorrow. it's been a rather fruitless trip, other than very good meat. as one man told us, "chicago is known for it's meat. if you are not a meat eater, then you're about out of luck here." how right he is. on a side note, i had the best cobbler i've ever tasted... twice. rasberry, strawberry, and blueberry cobler. wow! i guess it's not totally fruitless. hahaha.

one thing about chicago that i was badly mislead on is the friendliness of the people. for the most part, i have found the people here to be rather friendly. you don't get all the overly courteous excuse me's and such, but it seems different here than in a lot of downtown areas. in many downtown areas, i find that the majority of people walk around with their head down, not really paying attention to what's going on around them. here, though, i've found people to be more aware, and they gladly return a smile... or even smile in hopes of a return from me.

we didn't get a rental car up here, which has really been pretty good. we saved a ton of money in rental and parking ($20/day at the hotel), but we've saved even more time. there is a subway entrance about 20 yards from the hotel entrance and one less than 50 from our workplace. a couple of the guys whine about having to "walk a mile" to change trains and such, but i kind of like it... except for the foul smell emanating from the tunnel that connects the red and blue lines. one other quirk is the guy that sets up a mike and performs at the jackson stop on the red line every day. we're not real sure how long he's there, but weve seen/heard him three consecutive days at three separate times between noon and 4pm or so. it's really pretty amusing. he's not great (not terrible either), but for some reason, it's kind of enjoyable, if for only the hilarity of it all.

the hotel here is pretty nice. i wish my view was a little better, but it's really not so bad. i can't see anything spectacular, but it could be much worse. there is a starbucks in the lobby, which is great. here's something to bank on: if i ever start a company of any size, there will be a starbucks in the building and each employee will get a free one in the morning. it just makes me a better employee. i'm not kidding. it really does. grab an oatmeal bar on the way out, get a grande cafe mocha (which they make better here than at either location in knoxville), and ride to work on the subway with my breakfast to go. i ought to try one with non-fat milk to make it more healthy.

more on chicago... i really haven't done anything fun, but i kind of like it here. i could probably live here. no car, just ride the train/subway around. i'm not sure i could afford it, at least the rent and such, but who knows. i don't really know what real food costs, because we've been eating at pretty pricey joints. last night, we at at ruth's chris steakhouse and i had one of the finest steaks in all my life. a nice 14-oz filet, medium rare. oh my, it was great. you don't need to season that very much, and thankfully, they don't. also, if you are ever up here, find a place called weber grill. it's actually in my hotel, but they have 3 or 4 restaurants in the chicagoland area. their calling card is bbq and any other outdoor cooking. the bbq shrimp is excellent, as is the aforementioned mixed berry cobbler. the grilled king salmon is good, but not great - too much bbq sauce. i say go with the shrimp or, by all means, find something more suitable to your palatte.

well, that's about it. i hope your week has been great. if i look like i've gained 5-10 pounds, i probably have... no need to tell me. oh, by the way, it appears that i may get/have to go to greenland in about a month... yeah, that greenland. whatever.

unite!

thereeser

now!

2005-04-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

the time is now!

thereeser

headed to chi town

2005-04-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

yeah, i'm headed up to chicago on sunday. i'll be there all week. usually, i have time on my trips to piddle around, so i'll try to blog while i'm up there. it will give me something to do after dinner. i wish i had time to visit willow creek, but i doubt i'll get that chance. somehow, though, my trips always come at lousy times. i'm going to miss a free concert next friday, because my return flight doesn't get in until 9pm. oh well.

have a great weekend.

thereeser

you gotta hear this...

2005-04-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

i got a couple new cd's yesterday. i haven't listened to them too much, yet, but both seem pretty good. well, really, one is really good... the other - yet to be determined.

mind, body & soul - joss stone
this girl can sing! if you missed the grammy's, she and melissa etheridge sang an homage to janis joplin. you could have closed your eyes and thought janis was still around. i've been looking for a good soul/r&b disc for a while, and here it is.

garden state [soundtrack] - various
i haven't listened to this one a whole lot, yet, but there are at least a few good songs. the movie was great, and the music in the background, too. so, i think i'll like this one, though it may end up one that i only listen to in certain moods.

thereeser

wha??

2005-04-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

i've had one of those days. nothing real bad, but just a bunch of randomness (is that a word?).

i ran into this guy that i know that just has a knack for getting things done. i was talking to him yesterday and picking his brain a bit, but didn't have much time. turns out, though, we're going to meet up on thursday. i'm telling you, this guy is like ~~forrest gump~~ midas (from greek mythology). always in the right place at the right time, and everything he touches turns to gold.

oh, get this. i sent a resume to a place last week. i really thought that this was a promising opportunity. well, i got it back today as undeliverable. i can't read the stamp from the post office, and there's some thing written (uaa c12). i'm not sure what that means, but it appears that it made it to the destination and was sent back. i guess i should also mention that today was the deadline for resumes... and there's the rub. oh well. c'est la vie.

oh, i almost forgot. i got a confirmation of receipt for my application to bethel, and they misspelled my first name. actually, it's just a typing error, where they got a little jumpy, or probably just tired... they probably have a lot of typing to do right about now.

my last post about having a lot of questions. they will have to remain unanswered for now, but that's ok. they will be answered in due time, i hope.

well, off to bed. i need some sleep.

thereeser

a week in review

2005-04-08T06:59:00.000-07:00

well, this has been an interesting week. i finally got my taxes done, and i'm getting a sweet return. also, i finished my application for seminary and got it sent. then, i had to request transcripts be sent there, plus three reference letters, plus one endorsement from my church. all done!! i'm not sure that they are all mailed, but they are all in progress. i also sent a resume for a new job. it has nothing to do with engineering, but it seems pretty cool... and it's only 30 hours a week, which i could carry while taking classes. so, i've been a little busy, and that's not including work, church, or other activities.

anyway, from all the stuff going on and my generally bad sleeping, i'm really tired. i may skip out on doing anything tonight. i've got a long day tomorrow, and i could use the rest. plus... well... nevermind.

so, apparently there is a solar eclipse today. we in the mid-south will only get about 20% worth, but if by chance you are down in miami, you might get 40%+. just don't look!

this post has taken me over 1 hour... not continuous, but total. i keep getting sidetracked by emails and such. i don't really have anything left to say, though.

i have a question, but i'm not sure exactly how to ask it... i'm not even sure what/who i'm questioning so i'll leave it alone. frustrating, really.

thereeser

questions and thoughs

2005-04-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

well, it's been a couple of days. i've been pretty busy, and i just haven't know what to write. i think i started a post over the weekend, but i couldn't finish it. i don't really recall the subject, but it never made the net.

there are a lot of things on my mind lately. i can't exactly figure out the best way to express them, though. i wish i had some artistic ability. i have a picture in my mind, but my hands fail me.

here's a question though: if given two choices of action (and a limited time to get results), is compromising and doing both halfway ever the answer?

that's all. i'll have to collect my thoughts for a bit.

thereeser

community

2005-04-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

ok, so i'm sitting here in panera and a thought occured to me. i've been talking a lot about the idea of community with a few friends lately, and how that comes about. i'm sitting here on my computer on a leather couch so comfortable that i'm thinking about stealing it, and watching the other people without staring too long at any individual (don't want to seem creepy). there's a girl in an oversized (matching) leather chair less than 5 feet away, but the only words i've spoken to her are "are you waiting on someone... do you mind if i sit here?" there are small tables of 2-5 people scattered throughout the restaurant, most enjoying various foods. the decor is very inviting, with a lot of natural light, and very little direct lighting. nice colors and wall paintings and such. wood grain on most of the furniture, and different flooring to "naturally" separate the serving/waiting area from the eating areas. there's a mixture of seating, ranging from 2 person tables to 6-8 person high tables to these couches. what does all this have to do with community, you ask? not one thing! not directly, at least. the appearance of community is not the same as the reality of it.

now, don't get me wrong, it really helps, i think. giving an environment that encourages, and to some degree forces people into "intimate" gatherings. but, the people that are experiencing community in this establishment have come here seeking that. me, i just came here to waste some time before i go to get my car serviced. the girl next to me, also on a computer, appears to be doing some reasearch or writing or maybe just balancing her checkbook.

all that said... if people walk into a church looking for community, are they going to find it? will they find it at yours? at mine?

i thought about doing some big april fool's joke on here, but i don't have time. have a great weekend.

thereeser

leadership

2005-03-30T07:20:00.000-08:00

you know, i've been thinking a lot about leadership lately. mostly church leadership, but i guess it applies to all. what is it's value? how important is it? what makes a good leader? a great one?

i guess most of it relates to my seminary pursuit. the degree, as previously mentioned, is a m.a. in trasformational leadership, so it's heavily loaded with leadership training. there have been some other reasons for me to ponder such things, though i will not elaborate on most of them. a couple of nights ago, however, i was completing my seminary application, and was asked to expound on my Christian experience and such. during college, i was not real connected to one church until my last couple semesters. i attended a number of churches but had varied experiences. here's a little breakdown of some experiences.

baptist church #1: i attended there for a while and loved the service. the pastor was great (i had met him in a different environment, and he invited me to his church), and i love the worship. i missed about 3 consecutive weeks due to spring break and other stuff, and when i returned, the pastor had taken a position at a church in tx. i stuck with the church for a while and started in the sunday school class, until one of the teachers taught a lesson questioning and even disclaiming the divine inspiration of the Bible. i left.

campus ministry: not a church, but a campus org. i attended there for a while, beginning in my second year of school... was great. moved to charlotte for a quarter for co-op. upon return, i showed up at the time/place where the gatherings were held, but found no one. called a friend and found out that a few of the leaders (students) had decided that the Christian life was not for them. the group had all but disbanded. they were meeting maybe once a month, with maybe 10 people.

baptist church #2: attended there with a number of friends in spurts. i was still doing my co-op rotation every other term, so i was only on campus for 3-4 months at a time. it was nice to be around friends, but i began to notice something. the pastor just skimmed the surface of everything, and the bible studies would always end up talking about the same thing (they were topical, but every week ended up with the same point - no application). when i finally settled for my last 3 semester in atlanta, i searched for a new church home.

so, as i was recounting these events for the essay (i didn't have room to write out in this much detail), i noticed a common thread. leadership deficiencies and/or turnover. when i finally found a church home at not-baptist church #3, it was like night and day. they not only had leadership at the head of the church, it filtered down all the way to the guys leading my small group. everyone seemed to be on the same page about what their roles were and how they worked in combination to meet a goal.

i've been reading courageous leadership, by bill hybels, and he talks about the same thing. actually, that reminds me. something weird has happened with this book and another that i recently finished. they both expressed, nearly in the same words, some thoughts that i've expressed to people or in my own writing (here, manifesto, etc). but... i actually expressed them before reading the books. if i were reading/hearing myself from the perspective of someone who has read the books, i'd call myself a plagiarist.

anyway... back to work. i'm ready for this week to be over. here's something else i read lately...

it is said that leadership is among the most observed and least understood phenomena on earth.

thereeser

here we go again

2005-03-29T13:44:00.000-08:00

well, i'm not sure that i have anything to blog... though i didn't recap my Easter weekend.

friday, j-9 cooked fajitas for some of us - those in town. good food, good time, strange mix of people.

saturday was busy. i went to my sister's house and we had a little Easter brunch. i know it wasn't sunday, but it was the only time my family could get together. we had a blast, and i ate too much - we had breakfast burritos, some spinach salad, parfait (with fruit salad by your's truly). that night, a group of us went to alex's and had pizza and played catchphrase. again, a bit of an odd group, but that just made it more fun. again, ate too much.

sunday, we had church in the morning and then the fethe's had some of our singles group over for lunch. good food, good time, and again an interesting mix. it was very nice of them to open up their home on a holiday. more people should take their example. so, that's pretty much it, in a nutshell.

a couple of quotes from catchphrase:

ummmm.... well... ok.... you know how.... ok... you know...

i love curtains.

yes, andy, you need to tell us the category if we are to have any chance of guessing your words.

i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm going to hell for that one.

tutu... desmond tutu. i don't really know who he is, but i know the name.

up and down.... (louder)up and down... (louder still) you know when a human goes up and down!

ok... that's all folks or is it i'll see you in the morning. either way... later.

thereeser

holy chocolate... friday deuce

2005-03-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

this is not a joke!!

it sort of makes me sick at my stomach, and i'm not alergic to chocolate.

thereeser

painfully slow

2005-03-25T12:09:00.000-08:00

wow, it's slow here at work. about half of the office took the day off (we don't get good friday, but we get columbus day?), and most of the other half is gone by now. oh well.

so, what's new... well, alot and not much. i feel like i'm in the middle or involved in a lot of change, but every "answer" leads to more questions. i know that's how things work, but it's just a little strange to be all at once, you know?

oh well... not much else to tell right now. happy easter!

thereeser

still got my day job

2005-03-24T20:30:00.000-08:00

i haven't quit, though the thought crosses my mind at times (not like before). i did delete the resignation letters, which is probably good.

oh, i don't guess i added my congrats to pat summitt on her 880th win. i was able to attend the game for only $10. that amazes me... $10 for a ncaa tourney game in which the coach sets the all time ncaa record for wins. can't beat that.

one thing i did notice about the game... well, really an observation from both that and the lsu game beforehand. the ncaa women's game is about 10 years behind the men's. now, before you start beating me, let me explain. about 10 years ago, the men's game was dominated by a half dozen to ten teams, each year. when tourney time came around, there were a few upsets, but games between teams with a seeding difference of say 6+ ended in blowouts. that's what is happening in the women's game. lsu won by 35 or so... though they were up by this much for the majority of the second half. tennessee won by 20 or so. the game felt closer, but mainly because there were a lot of turnovers. right now, there are a few teams every year that are loaded with talent. some are consistently top programs (ut, uconn, duke, et all) and they might get two or three of the top players in the country every year. same thing happened in the men's game in the mid-90's. until the early 90's, you could get by, largely, on a star or two, and some scrappy role players. in the mid-90's (unlv probably pioneered it in 90 - illegally), you had teams like duke, unc, and kentucky that were just loaded. i mean look at some of those teams. they would get 5-6 top hs players in a 2 year period. now, a number of those guys would go straight to the nba or leave after a year. so, the talent difference between a lot of these teams is not that big (depth/coaching often the difference). the women's game will catch up quickly... or they may actually diverge a bit and blaze a new path. since the wnba is still not that big a deal, some girls - even the top ones - may decide to just go to a school that they want to, with the bball program taking a bit of a backseat.

sorry for the weird rant. it was just an interesting thing to me. if i don't blog tomorrow, have a great Easter.

there is only 1 risen Savior.

thereeser

check it out...

2005-03-23T07:46:00.000-08:00

i've gone primetime... i submitted this to msnbc and got it posted.

now on second page, starts with "You know, ..."

thereeser